Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT="]Quote of the day:
[/FONT][FONT="]'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh!t.'[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="]'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh!t.'[/FONT]
Blade Canyon
Senior Member
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
" Well I am in the pub next to that."
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
" Well I am in the pub next to that."
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they'd been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but NOT on Fridays, Ime at the camera club that day.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they'd been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but NOT on Fridays, Ime at the camera club that day.
We all love a fairy tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
A photographer with his backpack full of Canon L lenses, teleconverters and full frame cameras crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The photographer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the photographer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The photographer says, "Look, I'm a gear head and a pixel peeper. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The photographer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the photographer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The photographer says, "Look, I'm a gear head and a pixel peeper. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Michael J.
Senior Member
An American, an Italian, a Turk and an Irishman...
American: I'm proud of our CIA. they know what is happening in the world, often before it happens.
Italian: I'm proud of our women. They're the most beautiful and proud and not easy to be "had".
Turk: I'm proud of our carpets, true works of art. No one can make carpets of such high quality.
Then they all looked at the silent Irishman, waiting for his response. They asked: "What are you proud of?"
Irishman: I'm proud of myself lads. Last week I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet...
And the CIA knew nothing about it !!!
American: I'm proud of our CIA. they know what is happening in the world, often before it happens.
Italian: I'm proud of our women. They're the most beautiful and proud and not easy to be "had".
Turk: I'm proud of our carpets, true works of art. No one can make carpets of such high quality.
Then they all looked at the silent Irishman, waiting for his response. They asked: "What are you proud of?"
Irishman: I'm proud of myself lads. Last week I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet...
And the CIA knew nothing about it !!!
Michael J.
Senior Member
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
COLD WEATHER JOKE:
[FONT="]Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:[/FONT]
[FONT="]Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Windows frozen, won't open."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Husband texts back:[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it [/FONT][/FONT][FONT="]and gently tap edges with hammer."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Wife texts back 5 minutes later:[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]"Computer really messed up now.”[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Husband texts back:[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it [/FONT][/FONT][FONT="]and gently tap edges with hammer."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Wife texts back 5 minutes later:[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]"Computer really messed up now.”[/FONT][/FONT]
My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW!! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW!! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Had a great holiday in Mexico went to the beach and there was this guy sitting there all alone looking sad,i ask him whats the matter,well he said you see all those houses on the hill,well i built them,do they call me Pedro the house builder,those boats over there i made them,do they call me Pedro the boat builder,that landscaping over there i did all that,they dont call me Pedro the gardener,you shag one sheep----------------
nikonpup
Senior Member
WRONG DINNER: IF YOU DISLIKES GUNS "DO NOT WATCH"
[FONT="]https://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE?rel=0
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[FONT="]https://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE?rel=0
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Whiskeyman
Senior Member
Not a joke, and if it weren't so true, it would be funnier!!
Teach your kids photography and they’ll never have enough money to buy drugs | StareCat.com
Teach your kids photography and they’ll never have enough money to buy drugs | StareCat.com
nikonpup
Senior Member
IS SEX WORK??
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who
was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it
has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who
was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it
has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.
nikonpup
Senior Member
CANADIAN POLICE CHASE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8