Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
David Beckham gets into a taxi, "Heathrow please driver."

After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror.

This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says, "Come on mate, give us a clue?"

Beckham replies, "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps."

The driver says, "No, you thick twat, which terminal?"
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
5448.jpg
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
british humor ?

[FONT=&quot]The British Penny[FONT=&quot]
[FONT=&quot]European Union Directive No. 456179[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=&quot]

In order to bring about further integration with the single European
currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase
"Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 30 April 2016.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be:"Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great-relief to everyone. If you have
any questions, just give us a tinkle.[/FONT][/FONT]
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
Just when you think you knew all the text abrieviations possible, then there's these:

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and my personal favourite,

(_x_) kiss my arse!
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
The United States Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body..

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked Out with $96,000..


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'Fromthe tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''


The old Chief calmly replied,

'' Vietnam''.
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year!
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A man goes to confession and says: "Forgive me father for
I have sinned. Last night I made love
to twins, half my age,
in positions that I think are illegal."
The priest thinks for a few minutes and says: "Buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it"
"Will this cleanse me of my sin..?" asks the man.
"No" says the priest. "But it'll wipe that fuckin' smile off your face..!"
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
The priest.
He knew about cockfights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no,"' he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant, either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't QUITE what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted!
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.


“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”



“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.



“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.



“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little beggar has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”



“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord



“It’s not” said the man… “the little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms”
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A drunk sat on a bench next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a personal hygiene.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned’ Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'Oh, I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope is suffering from it.'
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
An old retired and crusty looking USAF Master Sergeant is being interviewed by a local TV reporter in Sacramento, CA.
The reporter inquires why the old Sgt always looks so serious and never smiles. She then suggests and asks:
"When was the last time you had any sex?"
The Sgt in return replied "1955"
The reporter was totally astonished and replied: "Oh my God - 1955 - That's a long time ago"
When the old Sgt answered: "What do you mean - It's only 2145 right now?
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one evening.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says " at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"OK, I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?" asks the dad.
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!"
"OK, it was a porno film." cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what a porno film was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps The mum!
 
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