Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

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Rexer John

Senior Member
The owner of a posh house gets a handyman knocking on his door. The fella at the door says he is down on his luck and will do any basic gardening or simple tasks for a small fee.
The owner is clearly well off, but he hadn't always been so lucky, so he says "OK, you can paint the porch at the front of the house white, using the tin of paint in the shed, I'll give you £50 if you do a good job".
The fella finds the paint and a brush, and he gets to work, taking his time and trying not to leave brush marks.
When he's finished, he knocks on the door for his money.
The owner opens the door and says, "The porch clearly has not been painted!".
The fella says of course not sir, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A police officer stops a woman who appears to be in her 80's, for running a stop sign. After getting her license, registration and insurance, he says 'This may seem unnecessary but it's standard procedure to ask if you have any weapons'.
The elderly lady pulls out a derringer. The cop is shocked, when she says 'Hold on'; she then takes out a 357 magnum, a set of brass knuckles, a shotgun and a can of mace.
The officer asks, 'Ma'am, just what are you afraid of?'
The senior responds, 'Not a goddamn thing!'
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
SOME HUMOR FROM THE DAYS OF 2 LANE ROADS.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMASHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
BurmaShave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
BurmaShave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
BurmaShave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
BurmaShave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
BurmaShave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
BurmaShave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
BurmaShave

THEMIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
BurmaShave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
BurmaShave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
BurmaShave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
BurmaShave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BurmaShave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
BurmaShave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
BurmaShave
and my personal favorite:

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
BurmaShave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body,
I've devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make Mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them

What a Workout!! Rest At Last!!
 
R

Rexer John

Senior Member
The doctor told me I was unfit and needed to do something at least twice a day that got me a little out of breath.
So I started smoking and get out of breath much easier now.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story...>> >> >> A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube of toothpaste inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled all of his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected.>> >> >> >> Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.>> >> >> >> They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.>> >> >> >> With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. At the end of the first month, he reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment and they verified the report as accurate.>> >> Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed that just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.>> >> >> >> "Oh, that," the supervisor replied. "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bloody bell rang.”
 
F

fotojack

Senior Member
[h=5]Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from the USA and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Japan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Canada. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye ... enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.[/h]
 
K

KWJams

Senior Member
Ivan and Lars are two old boys from North Dakota were driving down a a country road when Ivan asked Lars to stick his head out the window and tell him if his right front turn signal was working.
Sure can said Lars.
Well Ivan asked, "is it working?"
​Lars said: "no, yes, no, yes"
 
R

Rexer John

Senior Member
A lady is walking around a shop with her pet Chihuahua, when a guard comes up to her and says, "Madam, dogs are not allowed in this store, please leave immediately".

She retorts, "this is my guide dog and guide dogs are allowed".

He says, "madam, they do not use those dogs as guide dogs".

She pats the dogs head and back, then says, "what have they given me?"
 
Roy1961

Roy1961

Senior Member
Contributor
that reminds me of this oldie, a blind man standing in the center of the store swinging his guide dog around his head, the manager runs over shouting "sir what are you doing", the blind man says, oh I am just looking around.
 
D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
 
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