Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=4]Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.' We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I asked.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?
''That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. (Unbelievable but sadly true....)[/h]
'You don't?' I asked.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?
''That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. (Unbelievable but sadly true....)[/h]
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have,however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have,however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One woman turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
... After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
... After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A computer network in Australia is called The LAN down under.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Old Wisdom
After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.
After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.
I concur!
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
Politically incorrect? Who cares? Laugh!
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there
and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had
your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry
about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it
eventually'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like
that!
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself. 'I'm going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I?' The farmer
looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the
last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have
the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know
they wanted the name of a country?
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there
and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had
your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry
about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it
eventually'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like
that!
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself. 'I'm going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I?' The farmer
looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the
last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have
the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know
they wanted the name of a country?
Older men scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Mar. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Mar. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
nikonpup
Senior Member
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
nikonpup
Senior Member
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
nikonpup
Senior Member
I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Rexer John
Senior Member
Old people constantly give young people a hard time for being lazy or untidy.
My neighbour to the right is a young couple, they go out to work every day and never leave a mess outside the house.
My neighbour to the left is an old woman, she stays in all the time, I haven't seen her for weeks and the mess outside is a disgrace.
Newspapers stuffed halfway through the letterbox and she hasn't even bothered to take the milk deliveries in.
Still, she is a very quiet neighbour so I shouldn't complain.
My neighbour to the right is a young couple, they go out to work every day and never leave a mess outside the house.
My neighbour to the left is an old woman, she stays in all the time, I haven't seen her for weeks and the mess outside is a disgrace.
Newspapers stuffed halfway through the letterbox and she hasn't even bothered to take the milk deliveries in.
Still, she is a very quiet neighbour so I shouldn't complain.