Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

Ken Rockwell is the Chuck Norris of photography
Ken Rockwell's camera has similar settings to ours, except his are: P[erfect] Av[Awesome Priority Tv[Totally Awesome Priority] M[ajestic]
Ken Rockwell doesn't color correct. He adjusts your world to match his.
Sure, Ken Rockwell deletes a bad photo or two. Other people call these Pulitzers.
Ken Rockwell doesn't adjust his DOF, he changes space-time.
Circle of confusion? You might be confused. Ken Rockwell never is.
Ken Rockwell doesn't wait for the light when he shoots a landscape – the light waits for him.
Ken Rockwell never flips his camera in portrait position, he flips the earth
Ken Rockwell ordered an L-lens from Nikon, and got one.
Ken Rockwell is the only person to have photographed Jesus; unfortunately he ran out of film and had to use a piece of cloth instead.
When Ken Rockwell brackets a shot, the three versions of the photo win first place in three different categories
Before Nikon or Canon releases a camera they go to Ken and they ask him to test them, the best cameras get a Nikon sticker and the less good get a Canon sticker
Once Ken tested a camera, he said I cant even put Canon on this one,thats how Pentax was born
Rockwellian policy isn't doublethink – Ken doesn't even need to think once
Ken Rockwell doesn't use flash ever since the Nagasaki incident.
Only Ken Rockwell can take pictures of Ken Rockwell; everyone else would just get their film overexposed by the light of his genius
Ken Rockwell wanted something to distract the lesser photographers, and lo, there were ducks.
Ken Rockwell is the only one who can take self-portraits of you
Ken Rockwell's nudes were fully clothed at the time of exposure
Ken Rockwell once designed a zoom lens. You know it as the Hubble SpaceTelescope.
When Ken unpacks his CF card, it already has masterpieces on it.
Rockwell portraits are so lifelike, they have to pay taxes
On Ken Rockwell's desktop, the Trash Icon is really a link to National Geographic Magazine
Ken Rockwell spells point-and-shoot "h-a-s-s-e-l-b-l-a-d"
When Ken Rockwell went digital, National Geographic nearly went out of business because he was no longer phyically discarding photos
For every 10 shots that Ken Rockwell takes, 11 are keepers.
Ken Rockwell's digital files consist of 0's, 1's AND 2's.
Ken Rockwell never focus, everything moves into his DoF
Ken Rockwell's shots are so perfect, Adobe redesigned photoshop for him: all it consists of is a close button.
The term tripod was coined after his silhouette
Ken Rockwell never produces awful work, only work too advanced for the viewer
A certain braind of high-end cameras was named after people noticed the quality was a lot "like a" rockwell
Ken Rockwell isn't the Chuck Norris of photography; Chuck Norris is the Ken Rockwell of martial arts.
Ken Rockwell never starts, he continues
 

snaphappy

Senior Member
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home
drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water
does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
 

snaphappy

Senior Member
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the ��bull and $50 for the ��pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."



 

TedG954

Senior Member
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.


The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.


"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.


The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"


The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
Realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise
Life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"


The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."


"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."


The general said, "Drive on!"


The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."


The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"


The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to our congressman about this running amok Homeland Security crap,

I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
None the less, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


They need to make their instructions more clear for senior citizens.
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
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STM

Senior Member
This one is pretty esoteric. First person to get it, reply!

A bacterium named Bill and his brother
Went out for a drink with each other
In the midst of their quaffing
They split their sides laughing
And each of them now is a mother.


Ok, now some school humor.

What is the first thing a Duke (Dook) graduate says to a UNC graduate once they get their degrees?
"Is that for here or to go?"

A Dook graduate goes to a Papa John's and orders a pizza. The guy behind the counter asks him "do you want me to cut that into 6 pieces or 8? The Dook graduate mulls over it for a minute and tells him "you better make it 6, there is no way I can eat 8"

Go Heels!

 

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Rexer John

Senior Member
This one is pretty esoteric. First person to get it, reply!

A bacterium named Bill and his brother
Went out for a drink with each other
In the midst of their quaffing
They split their sides laughing
And each of them now is a mother.

Bacteria named Bill, ok.
His brother? Bacteria are asexual so it cannot be male.
In the midst of their quaffing. They need fluid and nutrients to grow and divide.
They split their sides laughing? Hmm, they divide like a sausage nipping up in the middle and sealing off. If their sides split they die.
Each of them now is a mother? Asexual, so parent maybe?

It sort of works though, if it were made correct it wouldn't work as a limeric ;)
 
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nikonpup

Senior Member

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to
play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
THINK U R HAVING A BAD DAY.Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Just remember, it could be worse....
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
 

§am

Senior Member
A man walked into a bar, and said "ouch"!

Two men walked into a bar... you'd have thought the second one saw it coming!!!
 

Just-Clayton

Senior Member
I was walking down the street on my route dragging my left foot on the ground and around the corner was an older man dragging his right foot on the ground. We meet up at the corner and the man says to me grabbing his leg "land mine Vietnam 1965, mangled it bad. How about you?" I gave him a smile and said "Dog crap three blocks back!"
 
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