Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[nikonpup]

The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results
June 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3


It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

 

[Roy1961]

like it

 

[nikonpup]

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like........mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

 

[nikonpup]

A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ???what are you doing???, he shouts. The wife replies to her lover: ???I told you he was stupid!???.

 

[nikonpup]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

 

[nikonpup]

There was a man, called Paddywhack, who worked in a very prestigious bank. One day a frog came in asking for a car loan. So he gave the frog the loan application papers. As the frog was filling them out, Paddywhack was looking over his shoulder. In the space for 'Father' the frog wrote in 'Mick Jagger'. Paddywhack said nothing. Then he asked the frog if he had enough money for a deposit. The frog said he didn't but produced a strange looking colourful glass sculpture that he said was worth a whole heap of money. Paddywhack said he'd have to talk to his boss about this, so he took the forms and the glass sculpture into his boss' office. He told his boss about the papers and asked him if he knew what the sculpture was. To which his boss replied,
"It's a nic nac Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

 

[Marcel]

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.









NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

 

[nikonpup]

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken. The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat ladies."
The first lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"
"He would like us to sit down." replied the second lady.
Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"
"What did he say?" asked the first.
"He's going to focus." replied her friend.
"What, both of us?"

 

[nikonpup]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Dave_W]

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Mar. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[nikonpup]

 

[Roy1961]

:applause:

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

 

[Roy1961]

Quasimodo is going on a well earned vacation, but first he has to teach his apprentice on the ancient art of bell ringing, “just push the bell forward and when it comes back towards you hit it hard with your forehead” says Quasi, so on the next hour Quasi gives him a demo and a loud “Dong” rings out, remember, make sure you hit the bell with your forehead for the loudest result, Just do this every hour and I will see you in a week and off he goes.

Apprentice Quasi is a little apprehensive and doesn’t want to mess up, so as the hour approaches he pushes the bell away and then head butts it, he hears a soft dong, he missed and hit the bell with his mouth, busting four teeth and splitting his lip, so quickly he tries again, now it’s a little better but still wouldn’t be heard outside the bell tower and now he has broken his nose, so at his third attempt he puts everything he has into it and a loud “Dong” rings out, success, he hit the bell right smack in the middle of his forehead, doing a dance to celebrate he loses his footing and falls to his death from the bell tower.

The police are called and ask the priest if he recognizes the body, he says “no, but his face rings a bell”

 

[§am]

I must remember this is the 'dumb jokes' section!!! :stupid:

 

[nikonpup]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example..

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

 

[nikonpup]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money
for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of
the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her, along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus."

 

[Roy1961]

a man goes into the Doctors and complains that when he touches his elbow it hurts, if he touches his wrist it hurts, same with his leg foot head and neck, what's wrong with me Doc, why does everything hurt, the Doc says, you have broken your finger......................Taxi

 

[nikonpup]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm' "Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."