Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
An old prospector rides into town and stops in front of the saloon Getting down he starts swatting dust off his clothes and after he ties the mule to the hitching post he goes to the back of the mule and lifts its tail and sticks his finger in -- pulls it out and wipes his finger all over his lips.
This old drunk was watching all this and could not believe what he just witnessed. He asked the prospector what in tar-nation did he do that for?
The prospector told him he has real bad chapped lips.
Really the drunk asked? That's a good remedy for chapped lips??
Not sure about that the prospector said -- but it keeps me from licking them.
This old drunk was watching all this and could not believe what he just witnessed. He asked the prospector what in tar-nation did he do that for?
The prospector told him he has real bad chapped lips.
Really the drunk asked? That's a good remedy for chapped lips??
Not sure about that the prospector said -- but it keeps me from licking them.
nikonpup
Senior Member
| [h=1][/h]DENTURES! A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Lookner for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it hit me right in the eye." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt |
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A journalist photographer was caught out in a rain shower when he saw a dark gloomy house. While he was drying off in the house he heard scary sounds and saw a ghost coming towards him. He grabbed his camera to take pictures. The ghost asked him what he was doing, he said “I just want to take your picture for the newspaper.” The ghost was glad for the exposure and posed for the photographer. When his film was all done he thanked the ghost and rushed to his office to get the film developed. When he saw the results he was terribly disappointed that they all came out black – they were all underexposed.The moral of the story is: The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
nikonpup
Senior Member
WHAT WAS THE STUDENTS SCORE ON THIS TEST?
>
> Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
>
> Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom
> Of the page
>
> Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
>
> Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
>
> Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
>
> Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
>
> Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
>
> Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it
> Become? * It will simply become wet
>
> Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he
> Sleeps at night.
>
> Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find
> An elephant that has only one hand..
>
> Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
> Apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very
> Large hands
>
> Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
> Take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
>
> Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
> It? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
>
>
>
>
> Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
>
> Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom
> Of the page
>
> Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
>
> Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
>
> Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
>
> Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
>
> Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
>
> Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it
> Become? * It will simply become wet
>
> Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he
> Sleeps at night.
>
> Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find
> An elephant that has only one hand..
>
> Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
> Apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very
> Large hands
>
> Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
> Take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
>
> Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
> It? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
>
>
>
I gotta jump into this. Had to read all 13 pages so I wouldn't repeat one.
Sister Margaret, unfortunately passed on.
Do to a "Clerical" error, she discovered she was in Hell. She immediately grabbed the hotline phone and called the Pearly Gates.
"St. Peter? This is Sister Margaret. I don't understand why I'm in hell... I have been holy and pious all my life"
Well St. Peter agreed and said he'd work on it.
The next day Sister Margaret was getting impatient and called St Peter again.
"St. Peter? This is Sister Margaret. You have to help me get to heaven. I heard there is going to be an Orgy down here tonight and everyone MUST attend"
St. Peter said he'd work on it.
The next day, St. Peter's phone. He answers it and hears... "Petey!!! This Is Maggie... Never-mind"
Sister Margaret, unfortunately passed on.
Do to a "Clerical" error, she discovered she was in Hell. She immediately grabbed the hotline phone and called the Pearly Gates.
"St. Peter? This is Sister Margaret. I don't understand why I'm in hell... I have been holy and pious all my life"
Well St. Peter agreed and said he'd work on it.
The next day Sister Margaret was getting impatient and called St Peter again.
"St. Peter? This is Sister Margaret. You have to help me get to heaven. I heard there is going to be an Orgy down here tonight and everyone MUST attend"
St. Peter said he'd work on it.
The next day, St. Peter's phone. He answers it and hears... "Petey!!! This Is Maggie... Never-mind"
nikonpup
Senior Member
Subject: 24 Hours to live
| Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.!' |
Most people didn't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know Titanic did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
Horoscope Fish
Senior Member
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Being a handyman and computer guru, my grandma called me saying "my window's broken". I went over to her house and spent over an hour checking out her computer and finding nothing wrong, I told her so. She said "what do I do with this" and showed me a baseball. Lo and behold, the conputer wasn't broken, just a pane.
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nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=3] No Pun In Ten Did [/h]PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference... He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to... be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was... a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
PS I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry...
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar, the bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.