Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

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Rexer John

Senior Member
My wife bought me an analogue watch that was so accurate, it only lost a second a day.
I worked out that if it wasn't corrected it would only be the exact correct time once every 118 years, (if we don't consider the clocks changing for summer/winter).
So I took the battery out and now it's exactly right twice a day.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
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A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist "Is this question necessary?"

She replied: "Sir, I'm sorry, but, if you are circumcised, you aren't eligible to run for election".
He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"

She replied...."It's quite simple, sir -

To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick







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M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers
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'It's a guy thing,
Regardless of Species.'
Sometimes they just gotta be scratched...............
 
D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
 
Roy1961

Roy1961

Senior Member
Contributor
that reminds me, my mother in law is coming over from Northern Ireland this week end, my wife sent her a surprise ticket for her 80th birthday. So that's what she really thinks of me;)
 
G

gqtuazon

Gear Head
Ok, here is my shot.
A good lawyer joke.

The madam opened the brothel door in Las Vegas and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, 'San Diego '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in San Diego .'
'I know.' the man said.'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Dalmatians A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, he's just for good luck," said another. A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."​
 
R

Rexer John

Senior Member
This fella boarded an aeroplane for a small local flight but had only been sat for 5 minutes when another bloke walked up to him and said "that's my seat, would you move please".
Having settled in for the flight he didn't want to move but the standing man insisted it was his seat.
"I don't see your name on it, exclaimed the now quite annoyed passenger".
Ok you fly the bloody plane, came the reply.
 
R

Rexer John

Senior Member
A married couple were at a party when they were offered the last two pieces of a very nice cake.
On piece was clearly much larger than the other.
The tray with the cake was passed by the husband first and he took the large piece.
The wife took the small piece and then turned to her husband and said, "If that tray was offered to me first, I would have taken the smaller piece".
The husband says, "So what are you complaining about, that's what you got isn't it".
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”

The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the
old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been
playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of
the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said,
“A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the
golf cart and ride to it.”





 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles, from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins."
 
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