Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[nikonpup]

WHEN WE GO:
Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones![FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN:-

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

(To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.)

 

[paul04]

Yes this is me.

 

[JH Foto]

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

 

[JH Foto]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

 

[nikonpup]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney call...ed his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[nikonpup]

[FONT=&quot]Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Mark Twain[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- George Burns[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Victor Borge[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Mark Twain[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Socrates[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Groucho Marx[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Jimmy Durante[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Zsa Zsa Gabor[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Alex Levine[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Rodney Dangerfield[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Spike Milligan[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Joe Namath[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Bob Hope[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- W. C. Fields[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Will Rogers[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Winston Churchill[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Phyllis Diller[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]<><>[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]- Billy Crystal[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And the cardiologist's diet: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If it tastes good spit it out.[/FONT]
​

 

[mikew_RIP]

 

[Marcel]

 

[JH Foto]

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.....

 

[Michael J.]

I always thought growing old would take longer.

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

A man walks into a photography shop and asks for a lens cap for a Canon. The chap behind the counter says “seems like a fair swap to me”.

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

 

[grandpaw]

 

[JH Foto]

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

 

[JH Foto]

How do you now when its raining cats and dogs?
When you step in a poodle.

 

[pk63015]

A woman wakes up one morning, turns on the lamp, puts on her nightgown, uncovers the parrot cage, and opens the drapes.

Just then the phone rings and on the other end is her Boyfriend who is in the Navy. He says " Honey I've been out to sea for 6 months, we just hit Port and I have 30 days Shore Leave, I will be at your place in 10 minutes be ready for me to rock your world ! "

So she closed the drapes, covered the Parrot cage, took off all of her clothes, climbed back into bed, and turned off the light.

Just then the Parrot squawked

" Christ What a Short Day that Was !! "

 

[Fortkentdad]

Shared my Self Portrait shot from my 52 week photo challenge on FB and my son Meme'd me.
Where does he get his sense of humour?

 

[Fortkentdad]

He strikes again.

 

[Kevin H]

View attachment 194883
He strikes again.

LMAO your son has a good sense of humor

LMAO your son has a good sene of humor

 

[nikonpup]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Democrat.


COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the heck I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Hilary.