Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
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nikonpup
Senior Member
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when
a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."
I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen?”
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you’re missing!"
My dental surgery is on Monday.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
[h=1]Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage[/h]
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas..
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas..
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
nikonpup
Senior Member
Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
nikonpup
Senior Member
A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very
scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian man named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
nikonpup
Senior Member
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone..
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away for a long time.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
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An Army and Marine Corps General working at the Pentagon arrive in the mens room (or latrine and head if you prefer) at the same time. Both take care of business and finish at the same time. The Marine General walks over to the sink and washes his hands. The Army General just zips up and heads out the door. The Marine General catches up to the Army General in the hall and says "You know General, I noticed you did not wash up when you finished. In the Marine Corps we teach all of our officers to wash their hands before they leave the head". The Army General smiles and replies "You know General, that is the difference between the Army and Marines. In the Army we teach all of our officers not to pee on their hands!"
WHOOOAH!!!
WHOOOAH!!!
Whiskeyman
Senior Member
Two generals are getting haircuts next to each other and their barbers finish up at about the same time.
The first general stops his barber from putting aftershave lotion on him, proclaiming "Don't put any of that on me, I don't want my wife to think that I smell like I've been to a brothel!"
The second barber, having heard the first general in the next chair, stops and asks the second general about the aftershave. The second general replies, "Go ahead with it. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!"
The first general stops his barber from putting aftershave lotion on him, proclaiming "Don't put any of that on me, I don't want my wife to think that I smell like I've been to a brothel!"
The second barber, having heard the first general in the next chair, stops and asks the second general about the aftershave. The second general replies, "Go ahead with it. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!"
Blade Canyon
Senior Member
TRUE STORY that Nikonites might appreciate:
I was in my doctor's waiting room and noticed a big photograph of a tropical island on the wall. It had been professionally printed onto three separate gallery wraps, with the pieces spaced out appropriately. Altogether, it was more than three feet wide and two feet high.
When I went into the exam room, I noticed another framed photo from a cruise. Nice picture.
The doctor came in. I asked, "Did you take these photographs by any chance? And the big one in the waiting room?"
"Yes, I did," he replied.
"They're really good." Then, being a Nikonite, I had to ask the obvious question. "What kind of camera do you have?"
"Oh, just one of those little ones. I think it's an HP."
So there you go. It's not always about the gear.
I was in my doctor's waiting room and noticed a big photograph of a tropical island on the wall. It had been professionally printed onto three separate gallery wraps, with the pieces spaced out appropriately. Altogether, it was more than three feet wide and two feet high.
When I went into the exam room, I noticed another framed photo from a cruise. Nice picture.
The doctor came in. I asked, "Did you take these photographs by any chance? And the big one in the waiting room?"
"Yes, I did," he replied.
"They're really good." Then, being a Nikonite, I had to ask the obvious question. "What kind of camera do you have?"
"Oh, just one of those little ones. I think it's an HP."
So there you go. It's not always about the gear.
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica][h=2]Recruiting any and all pilots[/h] The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"[/FONT]
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"[/FONT]
nikonpup
Senior Member
VASE:
A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.
Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.
Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"