Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

G

grandpaw

Senior Member
John and Fred loved to play baseball. One day the were wondering if there would be baseball up in heaven. They decided that whichever one died first would come back and let the other one know if the in actually played baseball in heaven. A few weeks later John died and went to heaven. After finding out that there was baseball up there he just had to keep his promise and let Fred know. John went back to see Fred and give him the good news. John said I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they do have baseball in heaven and play every day and the bad news is, YOUR PITCHING TOMORROW.
 
J

JackStalk

Senior Member
"Did you hear that joke about the corn?
Nah, I don't wanna tell you, it's too corny."

JSK-2813.jpg
I told that joke to this model about four seconds before I took this shot. It ended up being one of our top3 of the entire day! Sometimes it helps to tell a really dumb joke to get an honest reaction.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
The Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
 
A

Alan

Senior Member
For Us Pennsylvanians...

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to
GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Denver, Oklahoma City, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Pennsylvania. Upon entering a church in York, Pa. -and behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

I love this part...


The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Pennsylvania now.. You're in God's Country. It's a local call.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school [/FONT]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]person should be put in an old age home?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]








[FONT=&quot]the person to empty the bathtub."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]








[FONT=&quot]
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]








[FONT=&quot]than the spoon or the teacup."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]








[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]








[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? : [/FONT]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member

‘I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.’ Rodney Dangerfield
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member

[FONT=&quot]"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”
[/FONT]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member

LIFE PONDERABLES:

[FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Number 9[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Death is the number 1 killer in the world.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
Number 8 -[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]years.

Number 4[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]All of us could take a lesson from the weather. [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Top