Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
BANANA JOKE
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=2]Stranded on an Island[/h]
A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen - or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.
He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.
As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"
"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"
They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."
After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen - or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.
He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.
As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"
"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"
They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."
After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
I am actually guilty of #2 for sure
Top Ten Reasons You Might Be a Photographer
10. You have nightmares of people using the “P mode” we won’t even talk about the “green mode.” That’s just too scary.
9. 30,000 family photos neatly categorized in Lightroom. Zero photos of you.
8. When at a car dealership, you translate the price of a car in your head to “Six D4's.” Your last power bill cost two monopods.
7. Touchdown plays are somewhat distracting because you can see the white glass on the sidelines
6. You are frequently greeted with “What are you taking a picture of?!?” instead of “hello.”
5. You’d rather buy the shirt that more closely resembles 18% gray
4. Your carry-on is heavier than your checked bags
3. You describe disgusting old dilapidated barns as “beautiful”
2. The number of lenses you own is greater than your number of pairs of shoes
1. You actually believe a wizard could fit in your pocket
Top Ten Reasons You Might Be a Photographer
10. You have nightmares of people using the “P mode” we won’t even talk about the “green mode.” That’s just too scary.
9. 30,000 family photos neatly categorized in Lightroom. Zero photos of you.
8. When at a car dealership, you translate the price of a car in your head to “Six D4's.” Your last power bill cost two monopods.
7. Touchdown plays are somewhat distracting because you can see the white glass on the sidelines
6. You are frequently greeted with “What are you taking a picture of?!?” instead of “hello.”
5. You’d rather buy the shirt that more closely resembles 18% gray
4. Your carry-on is heavier than your checked bags
3. You describe disgusting old dilapidated barns as “beautiful”
2. The number of lenses you own is greater than your number of pairs of shoes
1. You actually believe a wizard could fit in your pocket
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
What does an dyslexic insomniac indecisive atheist do all night?
Lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
Lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
[FONT="]The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did........ she's 21 and her name's Tracy.[/FONT][FONT="]
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[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]
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[/FONT][FONT="]The cost of living has now got[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]-----------------------------------------------------------[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Some ones just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
so I did........ she's 21 and her name's Tracy.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]-----------------------------------------------------------[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The cost of living has now got[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]-----------------------------------------------------------[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Some ones just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
nikonpup
Senior Member
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It
was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their
bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on
the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the
house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute
girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and
fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird
special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It
was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their
bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on
the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the
house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute
girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and
fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird
special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
The truth always comes out.
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
popped up on Facebook today.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Two old men went out on a fishing trip with a wise old skipper. Shortly after leaving the dock two laughing gulls flew over their craft and one decided to let its' intestinal contents free. The excrement landed on the bald head of one of the fishermen. The other old man exclaimed "Don't get upset. Stay right here and I'll go fetch some toilet paper". The skipper replied, "No need for that. By the time you return the birds will have flown away".
nikonpup
Senior Member
Two turkey vultures were preparing to migrate north for the summer but, after talking about it, they decided they were too old to fly all that way, so they decided to take a plane. When they were about to board the aircraft, the flight attendant, noticing that both buzzards were carrying a dead armadillo, asked, "Would you like to check those armadillos through as luggage?" "No thanks," the buzzards replied, "they're carrion."
Green lumps:
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”