Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
The biggest woodpecker ever















































ATT000011.jpg


Did you expect a bird picture


Not my picture
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

============================================================

I sent my newly licensed 16 year-old son to pick up a pizza. I handed him a $20 bill, a $5.00 coupon and sent him on his way.

About forty minutes later, the boy returned home with the pizza ... and the coupon!

I asked the obvious question, "Why didn't you use the coupon?"

"Dad, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

============================================================

Nancy knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at her, and said,"Nancy, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake. You might need new glasses."

============================================================
Potato Prostitute

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says....

I - DA - HO


===========================================================



"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
 
A

Alan

Senior Member
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,
While you were busy arguing about the glass of water I drank it.
Sincerely,
The Opportunist.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
GOD IS MISSING

Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
 
Roy1961

Roy1961

Senior Member
Contributor
nikonpup said:
GOD IS MISSING

Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Click to expand...

I give you a like for this np, if only there was a like button

sent from Pandora via bluehead 2014
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Sex after surgery






A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,
one Anne Maynard , has sued St Luke 's hospital, saying
that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest
in sex.






A hospital spokesman replied, " Mr. Maynard was admitted in

Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."























​
 
T

TedG954

Senior Member
*To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.*


*When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.*


*A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.*


*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.*


*The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.*


*A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.*


*A will is a . . . dead giveaway.*


*With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.*


*A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.*


*When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.*


*Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .
resisting a rest.*


*Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . .
He's all right now.*


*A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.*


*When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds*


*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.*


*He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.*


*Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.*


*When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.*


*Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.*​
​



​
 
Marcel

Marcel

Happily retired
Staff member
Super Mod
Yesterday a thief broke into my house. He was looking for money. I got up and searched with him.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
WORLD CUP JOKE

Did you hear about the Nigerian goalkeeper at the last world cup? He was so upset by one of the refs calls that he offered to personally refund all of his fans who had travelled to watch him play. He requested that they just email him their bank account numbers and mother's maiden name so he could deposit the refunds.
 
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