Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

S

snaphappy

Senior Member
Nikonpup my monsters had a great laugh reading your jokes. My son says he has one to add for you Why didn't the skeleton go to the movie? because he had no body to go with...

Rancher my monsters thought that was a hilarious story but they're glad their teachers don't send them to principals office when they answer honestly what they did on the weekend LOL They'd choose swine because they don't have to catch or pluck them
​
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin ...
... and of course ...
... the coffin stops!
 
Eduard

Eduard

Super Mod
Staff member
Super Mod
Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike.

His change up made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt.

He was indeed awesome!

Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him?

Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.

Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!

Excitement reigned!

The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game.

The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer.

As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good.

But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him.

Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?

In unison they replied, ... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!


 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
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nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

"What a coincidence" - said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? "

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

" What a coincidence!" - said the man – " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.
"

" This is awesome" - said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " - he said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member


Subject: Pumpkin Sex (Adult)

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 - year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session and decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside," he told the court, "and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know," he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence: "I had said, "excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

"He froze, and he was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, "a pumpkin? Shit! Is it midnight already?"


The court, and the judge could not contain their laughter. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "best come-back line ever."
 
R

riverside

Senior Member

Two old guys talking:




One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV"


Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup. … Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

​
 
S

snaphappy

Senior Member
​[h=5]She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.
'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.
'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.[/h]
 
Whiskeyman

Whiskeyman

Senior Member
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he
will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window
to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obamacare."
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House".

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on I’m running this show, and my word’ll be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose ! Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ?".




The wife replied, "The undertaker’d be my first guess !".





 
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