Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there
was a future in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter
him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might just as well enter it in the
race. To his surprise, the Donkey came in third. The next day, the
racing sheet carried this headline: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS".
The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in the races
again. This time it won. The paper read: "PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT".
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in anymore races. The newspapers read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS".
This was just too much for the bishop and he ordered the priest to get
rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby
convent and the headlines read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN".
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The paper stated:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS". They buried the Bishop the next day......
hangingbg.art

 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.



 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> >leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart and it smells awful; what do
> >you think I should do*
> > *He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid*
 
B

Blade Canyon

Senior Member
Two Irish priests made it a habit to meet for lunch Wednesdays. They would ride their bikes to a meeting point halfway between the parishes.

One day, one priest shows up on foot with no bicycle. "I'm all in a tizzy," he tells the other priest. "I think one of my parishioners has stolen my bicycle, and I don't know who it is or what to do about it."

The other priest tells him, "Next week give a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' really drive the point home. The thief will feel so guilty he will return your bicycle."

Next week they meet up on Wednesday, and both are on their bicycles. "Oh, I see you got your bike back. Did my idea for the sermon work?"

The other priest replied, "I did use your idea for the sermon, but it wasn't really necessary. When I was going through the Commandments, I got to the one that says, 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and t'was then I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

​
 
B

Blade Canyon

Senior Member
Fordham University donated the land for the Bronx Zoo in order to have a buffer between the encroaching development and the University. In order to stock the new zoo, they hired British and French explorers, plus they sent along a local Bronx man to learn the trade.

While in the deepest jungles, the team was captured by a tribe of cannibals. The three men were tied to a tree, and a large pot of boiling oil was being prepared. The tribe's Chief approached the three men.

"I have learned English from the missionaries. You think we are savages because we will eat you, but we are not savages. We are civilized. Although you will die, the meat from your body will nourish us so we can be strong and fight our enemies, we will use your bones to make spears, forks, knives, and other implements to improve our lives, your skins will be used to line our canoes so we can battle our enemies on the river.

"In order to prove to you that we are not savages, I will give each one of you a last wish."

The British Explorer says, "I would like my revolver with one cartridge, so that I can end my life and be spared the pain of the boiling oil." The Chief consents, and they untie one hand of the Brit and hand him the revolver. "For King and Country!" says the Brit, who then shoots himself in the head.

The Chief turns to the French explorer. "What is your wish?" The Frenchman says, "I, too, would like the revolver with one cartridge, so I will not die in excruciating pain." They give the Frenchman the revolver, and he says "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite!" and kills himself.

Finally, the Chief comes the man from the Bronx. "And what is your final wish?"

The Bronx guy says (in a strong Bronx accent), "I'd like a fork."

The Chief stares blankly for a moment and asks again.

The man from the Bronx says, "I'd like a fork. You were talking about how civilized you were, and how our bones will be made into forks and stuff, so I'd like to see one of these forks."

The Chief unties one hand for the Bronx native, then hands him a fork.

The Bronx man immediately begins stabbing himself all over,
​and says "Here's your fucking canoe."
 
F

fotojack

Senior Member
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] Be careful what you buy on Ebay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $95, plus sales tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in bright sunlight."[/FONT]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.
'Yes, Father
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She stood proudly in her little bikini and replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.. '
 
W

WeeHector

Senior Member
An Irishman is travelling to Paris on a TGV (High-Speed Train) at 300 kilometres an hour. Suddenly, he says to the man sitting opposite him "Did you just see that? There were 47 horses in that field."

A short while later he cries out "Cheezus! There are 98 sheep in that field."

The man becomes interested and looks out of the window. Moments later they speed past a field of cows which appear as no ore than a blur. "One hundred and two cows in that field."

Just a little later, as they pass a field of sheep he announces "143 sheep down there."

The man is taken aback and asks how he is able to count the animals so quickly as they can barely be seen from the train.

"Oh, t'is simple, Sir. I just count the legs and divide by four."
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Q: Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
A: It had no guts!

Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: What did a Jack-o-lantern say to the pumpkin?
A: Cut it out!

Q: What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash

Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[h=3]Tall Tale from Vienna Graveyard[/h]Chris Cross, a tourist in Vienna, is going passed Vienna's Zentralfriedhof graveyard on October 31st. All of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. Chris finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades Tim Burr, a friend, to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Got home late last night after a full day of drinking with the boys and the wife left a message in the kitchen.
I think she is concerned about me not eating properly and wants me to eat more fruit.



image001.jpg
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice scream!
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough!
When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Lazy Bones!
 
R

Rancher_RIP

RIP
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
 
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