Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
I had to steal this one.
Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
I had to steal this one.
Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Michael J.
Senior Member
The Nun - brilliant
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!
Michael J.
Senior Member
An old one in the vein of the above.
Roddy was released from prison. As he was walking away form the prison, he put his hand in his jacket pocket, and found a piece of paper. Pulling it out, he saw the cobbler’s ticket and remembered taking his shoes there all those years ago.“Why not?” he thought, and went off to see if, just by chance, the cobbler was there and still had his shoes.
When he got to the address on the ticket he saw, sandwiched between a supermarket and a multi-storey car park, the cobbler’s shop. He went in and found an ancient man working in the dark little room. He gave him the ticket.
The old man examined the ticket closely and then took down a huge ledger from the shelf. Blowing of the dust, he opened it and ran a shaking finger down the columns of names and dates inside. His finger stopped at an entry. Looking up, he said, “They’ll be ready next week!”
Roddy was released from prison. As he was walking away form the prison, he put his hand in his jacket pocket, and found a piece of paper. Pulling it out, he saw the cobbler’s ticket and remembered taking his shoes there all those years ago.“Why not?” he thought, and went off to see if, just by chance, the cobbler was there and still had his shoes.
When he got to the address on the ticket he saw, sandwiched between a supermarket and a multi-storey car park, the cobbler’s shop. He went in and found an ancient man working in the dark little room. He gave him the ticket.
The old man examined the ticket closely and then took down a huge ledger from the shelf. Blowing of the dust, he opened it and ran a shaking finger down the columns of names and dates inside. His finger stopped at an entry. Looking up, he said, “They’ll be ready next week!”
Michael J.
Senior Member
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word: mypenis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word: mypenis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Not a joke really but I laughed out loud at a few of these and since they are some seriously fantastic photos I thought I'd share and hope you have a laugh
Walmart called your photos are ready....
Walmart called — Your Photos Are Ready | Words To Vomit
Walmart called your photos are ready....
Walmart called — Your Photos Are Ready | Words To Vomit
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Those are too funny. I worked in photo finish for many years and I don't think I could be surprised any more.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along on their horses late one day, and decided to stop and set up camp for the night.
After pitching their tents, they started a fire and cooked dinner. As the sun went down, they told stories and sang some songs. When it finally got dark, they went into their tents and crawled into their bedrolls.
In the middle of the night, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger up. "Kemo Sabe..... look at sky," he said. "What you see?"
The Lone Ranger replied, "Millions of stars, twinkling like diamonds. Why, my faithful companion?"
Tonto answered, "What that tell you?"
The Lone Ranger paused, and said, "Well, astronomically, it tells me theirs billions of stars in millions of galaxies, and some of those stars have planets, and some of those planets might have life.
"Astrologically, it tells me that Mars is in the constellation Leo.
"Theologically, it tells me God is powerful and great, and we're just small and insignificant.
"Meteorology, it tells me we're going to have great weather tomorrow.
"Chronologically, it tells me it's about a quarter after 2. Why, Tonto? What does it tell you?"
Tonto dead-pans, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chit. Someone stole tents."
After pitching their tents, they started a fire and cooked dinner. As the sun went down, they told stories and sang some songs. When it finally got dark, they went into their tents and crawled into their bedrolls.
In the middle of the night, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger up. "Kemo Sabe..... look at sky," he said. "What you see?"
The Lone Ranger replied, "Millions of stars, twinkling like diamonds. Why, my faithful companion?"
Tonto answered, "What that tell you?"
The Lone Ranger paused, and said, "Well, astronomically, it tells me theirs billions of stars in millions of galaxies, and some of those stars have planets, and some of those planets might have life.
"Astrologically, it tells me that Mars is in the constellation Leo.
"Theologically, it tells me God is powerful and great, and we're just small and insignificant.
"Meteorology, it tells me we're going to have great weather tomorrow.
"Chronologically, it tells me it's about a quarter after 2. Why, Tonto? What does it tell you?"
Tonto dead-pans, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chit. Someone stole tents."
George Lucas is starting production of a new movie. He calls Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger into his office.
"Guys, I'm making a new movie. It's going to be a hard-hitting, action-packed adventure....... and it's going to be based on the lives of famous classical musicians. And I'm going to let each of you choose who you want to portray in the movie. Chuck, how about you?"
Chuck Norris replies, "Well, you know, George.... 40 years ago when I tried to introduce karate to America, no one understood it. And when Mozart wrote his music, no one understood it either. I think I would do good playing Mozart."
George said, "OK, Chuck, you're Mozart. How about you, Jean-Claude?"
Jean-Claude said, "George, I got an image problem. NO ONE knows who I am. But EVERYONE knows Beethoven. They know his music, they know his bust, they know his name. I think my career will take off by playing Beethoven."
George responded, "OK, Jean-Claude.... you're Beethoven. Arnie?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger paused for several seconds, then dead-pans, "I'll be Bach!"
"Guys, I'm making a new movie. It's going to be a hard-hitting, action-packed adventure....... and it's going to be based on the lives of famous classical musicians. And I'm going to let each of you choose who you want to portray in the movie. Chuck, how about you?"
Chuck Norris replies, "Well, you know, George.... 40 years ago when I tried to introduce karate to America, no one understood it. And when Mozart wrote his music, no one understood it either. I think I would do good playing Mozart."
George said, "OK, Chuck, you're Mozart. How about you, Jean-Claude?"
Jean-Claude said, "George, I got an image problem. NO ONE knows who I am. But EVERYONE knows Beethoven. They know his music, they know his bust, they know his name. I think my career will take off by playing Beethoven."
George responded, "OK, Jean-Claude.... you're Beethoven. Arnie?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger paused for several seconds, then dead-pans, "I'll be Bach!"
Tim was all exited about his first try at ice fishing. He had gone to the local sporting goods store and bought everything he needed.
The next morning, he ventured out onto the ice. Finding what he figured would be a suitable spot, he stopped, got out his auger, and proceeded to drill a hole through the ice. He was only an inch or so down when a voice came booming down from above..... "There's no fish there!"
Tim stopped, looked up, surprised and quizzed. He then packed everything up and walked down the ice a bit further.
Finding another spot, he got his auger out and started to cut another hole in the ice. Again, a voice came booming down from above... "There no fish there!"
Again, Tim stopped and looked up, not saying a word. And again, he packed up all his new gear, waffled down the ice a bit, and stopped. Before he could even start turning his auger, the voice came booming down from above once more..... "There no fish there either!!!!!"
Tim looked up, very humbled by the experience. Finally, in a weak and trembling voice, he spoke to the heavens. "Is that you, God?"
The voice answered: "No! This is the rink manager!"
The next morning, he ventured out onto the ice. Finding what he figured would be a suitable spot, he stopped, got out his auger, and proceeded to drill a hole through the ice. He was only an inch or so down when a voice came booming down from above..... "There's no fish there!"
Tim stopped, looked up, surprised and quizzed. He then packed everything up and walked down the ice a bit further.
Finding another spot, he got his auger out and started to cut another hole in the ice. Again, a voice came booming down from above... "There no fish there!"
Again, Tim stopped and looked up, not saying a word. And again, he packed up all his new gear, waffled down the ice a bit, and stopped. Before he could even start turning his auger, the voice came booming down from above once more..... "There no fish there either!!!!!"
Tim looked up, very humbled by the experience. Finally, in a weak and trembling voice, he spoke to the heavens. "Is that you, God?"
The voice answered: "No! This is the rink manager!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
A guy gets a job as a bus driver, and his route is, oddly enough, on Sesame Street.
On his first day on the job, he pulls up to the first stop on his route to find only a young (and rather chunky) girl. She climbs up the stairs of the bus and tells the driver, "Hi there! My name's Patty!" The driver closes the door and says, "Hi, Patty! Have a seat.... glad to have you on board!"
At the second stop, there's another large girl, larger than the first. She enters the bus and says to the driver, "Hi there! I'm Patty!" The driver responds, "Hello, Patty, take a seat... happy to see you!"
At the third stop, there's a little boy waiting. He's all dressed up: crisp, pressed shirt, tie, combed hair, shiny shoes. He gets on the bus and proclaims, "Hello! I'm Ross, and I'm special!" The bus driver offers, "Have a seat, Ross!" rather coldly.
At the fourth stop, there's another little boy. And he's just the opposite of Ross: Ratty shirt, torn blue jeans, dirty shoes and unkempt hair. He climbs the stairs and tells the driver, "Hi there! I'm Chester Lee!" The driver retorts, "Sit down, Chester!!!"
As he is making his way to the next stop, he looks up into the mirror and sees Chester Lee has taken his shoes off and is picking at his bare feet. He slams on the brakes, brings the bus to a screeching halt, and throws the door open to exit.
Before he does, he yells, "I can't stand it! I've got two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Chester Lee picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"
On his first day on the job, he pulls up to the first stop on his route to find only a young (and rather chunky) girl. She climbs up the stairs of the bus and tells the driver, "Hi there! My name's Patty!" The driver closes the door and says, "Hi, Patty! Have a seat.... glad to have you on board!"
At the second stop, there's another large girl, larger than the first. She enters the bus and says to the driver, "Hi there! I'm Patty!" The driver responds, "Hello, Patty, take a seat... happy to see you!"
At the third stop, there's a little boy waiting. He's all dressed up: crisp, pressed shirt, tie, combed hair, shiny shoes. He gets on the bus and proclaims, "Hello! I'm Ross, and I'm special!" The bus driver offers, "Have a seat, Ross!" rather coldly.
At the fourth stop, there's another little boy. And he's just the opposite of Ross: Ratty shirt, torn blue jeans, dirty shoes and unkempt hair. He climbs the stairs and tells the driver, "Hi there! I'm Chester Lee!" The driver retorts, "Sit down, Chester!!!"
As he is making his way to the next stop, he looks up into the mirror and sees Chester Lee has taken his shoes off and is picking at his bare feet. He slams on the brakes, brings the bus to a screeching halt, and throws the door open to exit.
Before he does, he yells, "I can't stand it! I've got two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Chester Lee picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey!"
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
Mike and Jimmy were walking home from town after a night of bar-hopping. They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Danube Road.
Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, "Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and keep a watch for the police."
So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.
Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"Terry! What are you doing?" Mike asked.
"I can't find a number 47 anywhere Mike," Jimmy replied. "The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house."
Mike rolled his eyes. "Ohhhh," he groaned, "How stupid can you get? It doesn't need to be a 47 for us to get home!" He walked over to a bus. "Here, we'll take this one," he said. "It's a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!"
Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, "Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and keep a watch for the police."
So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.
Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"Terry! What are you doing?" Mike asked.
"I can't find a number 47 anywhere Mike," Jimmy replied. "The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house."
Mike rolled his eyes. "Ohhhh," he groaned, "How stupid can you get? It doesn't need to be a 47 for us to get home!" He walked over to a bus. "Here, we'll take this one," he said. "It's a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!"
*Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.*
*Theirs will be first on the schedule.**The older boy leans over and asks, **"What are you having done?"**The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."**The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.**I had that done when I was four.**They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give**you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."**The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"* *The first boy says, "Circumcision."**"Whoa" the smaller boy replies. **"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.**Couldn't walk for a year."*
*Theirs will be first on the schedule.**The older boy leans over and asks, **"What are you having done?"**The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."**The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.**I had that done when I was four.**They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give**you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."**The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"* *The first boy says, "Circumcision."**"Whoa" the smaller boy replies. **"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.**Couldn't walk for a year."*
A young Corsican is about to be married and decides to ask his father for some advice about what he should do on the first night.
"You take her into the bedroom" replies the father "and you throw her onto the bed, for a Corsican is strong."
"Next you tear off her clothes, for a Corsican is passionate."
"Then you undress and show yourself to her, for a Corsican is handsome."
They meet up for breakfast the day after the wedding and the father asks how things went the night before.
"I picked her up and threw her onto the bed, for a Corsican is strong."
"Next I ripped off her clothes, for a Corsican is passionate."
"Then I undressed myself and stood before her, for a Corsican is handsome."
"And what happened next?" asked the father.
"Then I masturbated, for a Corsican desires nothing more than independence."
"You take her into the bedroom" replies the father "and you throw her onto the bed, for a Corsican is strong."
"Next you tear off her clothes, for a Corsican is passionate."
"Then you undress and show yourself to her, for a Corsican is handsome."
They meet up for breakfast the day after the wedding and the father asks how things went the night before.
"I picked her up and threw her onto the bed, for a Corsican is strong."
"Next I ripped off her clothes, for a Corsican is passionate."
"Then I undressed myself and stood before her, for a Corsican is handsome."
"And what happened next?" asked the father.
"Then I masturbated, for a Corsican desires nothing more than independence."
Paddy and Seamus, two Irishmen, open a pub but it is a total disaster and they never get any customers.
"Look, Paddy," says Seamus "I think we should close the pub and open a brothel."
"Oh don't be stupid," replies Paddy. "If we can't get them to drink beer, how are we ever going to get them to eat soup?"
"Look, Paddy," says Seamus "I think we should close the pub and open a brothel."
"Oh don't be stupid," replies Paddy. "If we can't get them to drink beer, how are we ever going to get them to eat soup?"
Michael J.
Senior Member
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.