Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck stopped, got out and asked her what she was doing.
And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck stopped, got out and asked her what she was doing.
And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
This was my dads favorite. It's long but funny.
A guy is setting in a bar, totally depressed. Well call him Bob
the fella at his side, ask the what's bothering you buddy question.
Bob responds with this. I've got a large tape worm. I eat but stay hungry.
this is ruining my life.
Bob's new friend responds. " here is the card for a doctor who will cure you"
Monday Bob is in the exam room of the doctor. The doctor tells the nurse,"bring me a pealed hard boiled egg and a Selerno butter cookie. Next he
tells Bob to stop his drawers and bend over. To add insult to injury the doctor shoves buth up Bob's butt. Bob leaves vowing to never return, but in time decides to give it another try. Same thing happens. Nurse the egg and the butter cookie. Then the doctor tells Bob, one more visit you will be cured.
reluctently Bob returns for the last time. Nurse bring me a hard boiled egg and a baseball bat. Bob balks, but the doctor reassures him. After inserting the egg, the doctor steps back with the ball bat. The tape worm sticks his head out and says. "Hey where's my Selerno butter cookie. Doc hit it with the bat and Bob was cured.
A guy is setting in a bar, totally depressed. Well call him Bob
the fella at his side, ask the what's bothering you buddy question.
Bob responds with this. I've got a large tape worm. I eat but stay hungry.
this is ruining my life.
Bob's new friend responds. " here is the card for a doctor who will cure you"
Monday Bob is in the exam room of the doctor. The doctor tells the nurse,"bring me a pealed hard boiled egg and a Selerno butter cookie. Next he
tells Bob to stop his drawers and bend over. To add insult to injury the doctor shoves buth up Bob's butt. Bob leaves vowing to never return, but in time decides to give it another try. Same thing happens. Nurse the egg and the butter cookie. Then the doctor tells Bob, one more visit you will be cured.
reluctently Bob returns for the last time. Nurse bring me a hard boiled egg and a baseball bat. Bob balks, but the doctor reassures him. After inserting the egg, the doctor steps back with the ball bat. The tape worm sticks his head out and says. "Hey where's my Selerno butter cookie. Doc hit it with the bat and Bob was cured.
nikonpup
Senior Member
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
Christmas Eve There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve & went to heaven. St. Peter at the gate said since you all died on Christmas Eve you all got to show me something that represents Christmas. First guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a lighter lights it & said "Candle" St. Peter said there are candles for Christmas go in Second guy pulls out a set of keys & shakes them saying bells. St. Peter said there are bell for Christmas go in. Third guy pockets were turned inside out "Well" St. Peter said The guy puts his hand in his coat pocket & pulls out a pair of womans panties St. Peter said now what do they have to do with Christmas? The guy said "Oh theses are Carols."
nikonpup
Senior Member
A Car For Christmas
Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’
A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.
Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’ ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’
Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’
A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.
Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’ ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
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nikonpup
Senior Member
The Dinner Party
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Years Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favourite food, steak, as the main course.
While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”
The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a quick cigarette, the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks. The host said, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other sides up–nobody will notice.”
The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog had died.
The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”
The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?”
“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Years Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favourite food, steak, as the main course.
While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”
The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a quick cigarette, the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks. The host said, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other sides up–nobody will notice.”The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog had died.
The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”
The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?”
“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”