Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

G

grandpaw

Senior Member
Fairy Tale

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes
when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old
son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...."Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member





RECTUM STRETCHER (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)
















While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.














The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"













To which she replied, "I'm late for work."













Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

























I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.














The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
















And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"














"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."













"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *sshole ? " he asked.













"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."













Traffic Ticket - $95.00













Court Costs - $45.00













Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
















 
B

Blade Canyon

Senior Member
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.


She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,






'Well, how was it?'






The guy gently smiles at her,






Strokes her cheek,






Looks deeply into her eyes,






And says:





'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
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discount-ski-lift.jpg
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband.
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off.
Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

Welcome to the golden years..........
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.



The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's

desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly looking

woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR

NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT

IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around

to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.


But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.'


The room erupted in applause!



DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
 
E

Eyelight

Senior Member
mikew said:
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.



The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's

desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly looking

woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR

NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT

IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around

to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.


But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.'


The room erupted in applause!



DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
Click to expand...

Best laugh I've had in days.:applouse:
 
F

Fortkentdad

Senior Member
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.







The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!








Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!








I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!








I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!








Old age is coming at a really bad time!








When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!








The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."








Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!








I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.








My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.









Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.









If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.








The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".







I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.








When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?








I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!








Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!








Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?








Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.








Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.








Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?








At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.








Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ...
that makes it a plant which means ...
chocolate is Salad !!!
 
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