Blade Canyon
Senior Member
best of craigslist: DOPE ASS PIMPED OUT LENS
That's how you sell a lens. Contains expletives, but funny.
That's how you sell a lens. Contains expletives, but funny.
Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Englischdude
Senior Member
Bar Crawl
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
nikonpup
Senior Member
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.
Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke.
"You kids don't know what hard times are.
Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity.
Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
nikonpup
Senior Member
I WONDERED WHY DAVE W MOVED TO MONTANA. LOL
[FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]A retired man went into the Employment Center in Downtown Dallas, and [/FONT][FONT="]
saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
shave them, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $85,000, includes life
and health insurance and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief” replied the man . . . “Is that where the job is?"
"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now"...[/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]A retired man went into the Employment Center in Downtown Dallas, and [/FONT][FONT="]
saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
shave them, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $85,000, includes life
and health insurance and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief” replied the man . . . “Is that where the job is?"
"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now"...[/FONT]
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
...
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
...
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT="]Winning the lotto[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]“ I’d take my half and leave you.”, she says, matter-of-factly.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]“Great!”, he says.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]“Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”[/FONT]
A distraught woman is standing on the edge of a cliff, trying to pluck up the courage to jump.
Along comes a filthy old tramp.
"Before you go" says the tramp, " I suppose sex is out of the question?"
"Go away You dirty old pervert!!!" shrieks the woman.
"No problem" replies the tramp.
"I'll just wait at the bottom then."
Along comes a filthy old tramp.
"Before you go" says the tramp, " I suppose sex is out of the question?"
"Go away You dirty old pervert!!!" shrieks the woman.
"No problem" replies the tramp.
"I'll just wait at the bottom then."
nikonpup
Senior Member
A husband and his wife went to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the husband lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?" Husband says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!" A few minutes later the wife lets rip a scorcher fart. Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he accidently craps in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" Husband replies, "Now Halftime, switch sides."
nikonpup
Senior Member
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired about his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained, "Twice each
day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front
of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and
proceeded to expose herself to her tomato plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her
progress."So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my
cucumbers!!"
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
Just got a book on anti-gravity - can't put it down.
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
“Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
“Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
Man called in sick to work, his boss said "look when I don't feel well, I just make love to my wife, I feel a whole lot better, then I can go to work - you should just do that"
Man came in with big smile on his face. Said WOW that worked, and your wife says bring home some milk and bread tonight.
Man came in with big smile on his face. Said WOW that worked, and your wife says bring home some milk and bread tonight.
AxeMan - Rick S.
Senior Member
I was "tagged" in this photo that has been floating around on facebook thought I share. If it's a double post sorry.
Might be photoshopped, but who cares some funny $hit
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This isnt a joke its true and after i done it i saw the funny side.
My wife was complaining she struggled with the electric strimmer at the bottom end of the garden,the strimmer cord wasn't strong enough and kept breaking on the brambles ect,being a loving and caring husband i bought her a petrol brush cutter,only the best for her.
Hope she doesn't think of it the same way as i did
My wife was complaining she struggled with the electric strimmer at the bottom end of the garden,the strimmer cord wasn't strong enough and kept breaking on the brambles ect,being a loving and caring husband i bought her a petrol brush cutter,only the best for her.
Hope she doesn't think of it the same way as i did
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchorwoman from Tyne Tees who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchorwoman from Tyne Tees who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'