Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[nikonpup]

LITTLE JOHNNY:

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook”

 

[weebee]

 

[nikonpup]

A man walks into a bar with a salamander.
The bar tender notices and asks, “What's its name?”
, The man replies, “Tiny.”

“Why'd you name him that?” the bar tender asked, to which the man replies “Because he's my newt”

 

[Alan]

Nothing more needs to be said....

 

[nikonpup]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!


If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:


The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.


The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.


The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.


The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

 

[Eduard]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[mikew_RIP]

THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

 

[Lawrence]

Risky I know ...

 

[RON_RIP]

The Nikon police are going to get you for that

 

[Lawrence]

The Nikon police are going to get you for that

I am expecting "Banned for Life"

 

[RON_RIP]

We have a worst fate in mind for you Lawrence. You will be locked in a room with a whole bunch of Canon enthusiasts and be forced to listen to them go on and on and on about how much better there cameras are than your crummy Nikon. And on and on and on____________

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

We have a worst fate in mind for you Lawrence. You will be locked in a room with a whole bunch of Canon enthusiasts and be forced to listen to them go on and on and on about how much better there cameras are than your crummy Nikon. And on and on and on____________

I had something else in mind for him but I like this better. Thanks Ron

 

[nikonpup]

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes, among other things, I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice,
she'll ask me for it."

 

[nikonpup]

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

[mikew_RIP]

Human Body.





The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then
fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day when you get married you are going to be very, VERY
disappointed.'

 

[nikonpup]

LITTLE JIMMY:
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

 

[Mike150]

We have a worst fate in mind for you Lawrence. You will be locked in a room with a whole bunch of Canon enthusiasts and be forced to listen to them go on and on and on about how much better there cameras are than your crummy Nikon. And on and on and on____________

How about locking him in a room with Ken Rockwell?

 

[TedG954]

Jenny Craig FOR MEN



I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find
I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I
discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our
most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I
open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you,... you're mine."


I lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[nikonpup]

THESE ARE PRICELESS!

Children writing about the ocean

The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,
age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age
7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know.. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)