Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

Roy1961

Senior Member
Contributor
A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Best regards
 

snaphappy

Senior Member
On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??"

"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"
 

pictaker64

Senior Member
Best of luGirlfriend to Wife Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking
about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!


Thanks,


A Troubled User.


______________________________________


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:


This is a very common problem that men complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.


You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.


The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !


WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support
be very hi
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
  • A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  • Thomas Edison, who invented the lightbulb, was afraid of the dark.
  • Most American car horns honk in the key of F, which is also the same key as a telephone dial tone.
  • A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 68 years, from 1922-1990. They started after a 300-pound hog fell on top of him while he was getting ready to slaughter it. The hiccups stopped when he was 96, about a year before he died.
  • In an average lifetime the average American receives 31 prank phone calls.
  • Olive oil can be used as a hair conditioner.
  • What does a soldier keep in a frog? His bayonet
  • The first bar of chocolate was produced by Cadbury in England in 1842.
  • Coca-cola has never been patented because to do that they would have to reveal the formula.
  • Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in the early 1900s.
  • What planet has 1,600 volcanoes? Venus
  • Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
  • In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.
  • Damaged bills that are torn in half are still legal tender. They can be taken to a bank to be replaced.
  • All cows are female. Male "cows" are called bulls.
  • At least 9 million other people in the world have the same birthday as you.
  • In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer name is Yensid which is Disney backwards.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • What is the dot over the letter 'i' called? A tittle.
  • A snail can sleep for 3 years.
  • I WISH I WAS A SNAIL FOR A DAY - NEED THE SLEEP.
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
DARWIN AWARDS:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain so.




 

Just-Clayton

Senior Member
A man walks into a bar and notices a very small man playing a piano. He goes to the bar and sees a genie bottle and a note. The note says " Rub bottle to make one wish". The bartender explains that when the man asks for his wish, he needs to say what he wants VERY LOUDLY. The genie is old and deaf. So, he rubs the bottle and wishes for a million bucks. Within seconds a million ducks fly through the bar. He says " I didn't ask for ducks!" The bartender says "and you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!!"
 

pictaker64

Senior Member
How Tequila works,not mine but I laughed my butt off when I saw this

howtequilaworks.jpg
 
Because it's Friday...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
TIME TRAVEL HAS AFFECTED MY SHOOTING, NOT MY HUMOR. :)
[FONT=&quot]Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The nun fainted ![/FONT]
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
TIME TRAVEL HAS AFFECTED MY SHOOTING, NOT MY HUMOR. :)
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'

The nun fainted !
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
7 KINDS OF SEX:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your Wife anymore. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

nikonpup

Senior Member
Turner Brown


Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
My Travel Plans for 2013-2014
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

nikonpup

Senior Member
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister repeated his question. Everyone responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.


"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Aren’t you willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.


"Mr. Barnes, that’s very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Okay, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old fart tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around and faced the congregation and said, "I outlived all them assholes," then calmly returned to his seat.
 

nikonpup

Senior Member
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out t onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it," said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy, Give me $20, or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
Top