Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[Michael J.]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking £980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who owns this phone ....

 

[STM]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

 

[mikew_RIP]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

 

[WileyCoyote]

Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the rednecks looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?

... The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again.

The redneck walks slowly back to his table, sits back down and resumes eating.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' ​

 

[mikew_RIP]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lin. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lin to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
John

EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Lin, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.









​

 

[nikonpup]

GOLF:A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

[mikew_RIP]

The hardest part of being a guide dog

 

[crycocyon]

Two pilots (originally the joke had Ukrainian Pilots but let's just make them any pilot you prefer) were en route to landing their commercial aircraft at an airport. As they approached the landing strip, the co-pilot said to the pilot "I don't know if we will be able to make that runway, it looks a bit too short". The pilot then said reassuringly to the co-pilot "No don't worry, we'll make it". As they got nearer and ready to land, the co-pilot said once again to the pilot "I really don't think we'll be able to make this runway, it is just to short". The pilot said again to the co-pilot "It's ok, don't worry, we'll make it". So they come in for the landing and the plane touches down. They make their way down the runway and sure enough go off the runway into the grassy area and crash there. The two pilots were ok and came stumbling out of the plane and the co-pilot said to the pilot "See?!! I told you it was too short!", and the pilot said "Ya, but look how wide it is!".

 

[WileyCoyote]

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Kiwi says to the Aussie: You see how clever we Kiwi's are? You’ll never beat that!

The Aussie says to the Kiwi: Watch this, an Aussie is always cleverer than a Kiwi.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, and I'll show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Aussie promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Aussie eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?

The Aussie says: Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!

 

[mikew_RIP]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says,
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession:
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our se x life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . .'

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

 

[nikonpup]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

 

[nikonpup]

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

How Men And Women See Colors
​

 

[nikonpup]

The Piano

Sven’s down at the feed store and runs across Ole.
Sven says, "Ole, good to see you! How’ve you been?”
“Fine.”
“And what about your wife, I haven’t seen her in awhile. How’s she doing, Ole?”
“Fine.”
Sven says, “I heard you bought her a piano, didn’t you? That must be real fine. How’d she like it?”
Ole answers, “Fine. But I sold the piano and bought a clarinet.”
“A clarinet? Why would you give her a clarinet instead of a piano?”
Ole glares at Sven a bit, then says, “Because with a clarinet, she can’t sing!”

 

[Michael J.]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."








"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

 

[WileyCoyote]

If you have the misfortune not to live Down Under Bunnings is a big hardware and DIY store in Australia and NZ


BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Wodonga. They hired him because he was so funny.....



NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth..

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Time-share Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After landing his new job as a Bunnings Greeter - a good find for many retirees, He lasted less than a day . .. . . ..

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Brighton babe walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As he had been instructed, he said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Bunnings." He
then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins... The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

He replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

His supervisor said he probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[nikonpup]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

 

[WileyCoyote]

A body builder meets up with a hot blond, and wanting to impress her he takes off his shirt
And the blonde says,"What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her,That's 100 lbs.. Of dynamite, Baby.'

Then he takes off his pants and the blonde says,'"What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
The blonde goes running out of the
Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
Back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
She ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'