Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[Michael J.]

Just when you think you knew all the text abbreviations possible, then there's these:

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and my personal favourite,

(_x_) kiss my arse!

 

[WileyCoyote]

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"Ummm! How soon do you need to know?"

 

[WileyCoyote]

There's nothing worse than a doctors receptionist insisting you tell her what's wrong in a room full of patients.
We've all had this experience at some time.
An old guy walks into a crowded surgery & the receptionist said,"Yes sir, What are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis,"he replied.
The receptionist became irritated & said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? you asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said.
"You've obviously caused some embarresment in this room full of people," replied the receptionist."You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something & then discussed the problem with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smuggly & asked,"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," the old guy said.
The receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice."And what is wrong with your ear,Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it ," the old bloke replied.

The Doctors office erupted into laughter!

 

[WileyCoyote]

SIGN IN A LOCAL STORE WINDOW.


'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

CAMPBELTOWN, KENTUCKY.


You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.


After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.
You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.


(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

 

[WileyCoyote]

A principal made it a practice to visit each classroom in his school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and

asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

The principal jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."

 

[WileyCoyote]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[mikew_RIP]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on
the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll
get help to get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you" I answered, "but I don't think my wife
would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well Ok", I finally agreed, "But my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some putting lessons , I thanked my
host. "I feel a lot better now,

but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile,

"She won't know anything, By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart.!" I said.

 

[Michael J.]

What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an Owl?
A cock that stays up all night



I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

That bronze medal would be mine.




I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.

The twat was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.

 

[WileyCoyote]

A Chinese man called his boss one day and said "Me sick, no can work today"

The boss says, "When I'm sick I make love to my wife and it makes me feel better, Go ahead and try that"

Two hours later the Chinese man called his boss back and says, "I feel much better, you have nice house and pretty wife"

 

[WileyCoyote]

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been transliterated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

 

[mikew_RIP]

This is such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for the wifes birthday. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at pool.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

 

[WileyCoyote]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, then you've seen Amal.''

 

[WileyCoyote]

An intellectual dumb joke ...

Q; How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A; None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

 

[WileyCoyote]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the ' little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. 'Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Kodiak]

A famous photographer arrives to a good restaurant after a vernissage:

"I recognize you, said the cook, I saw your pictures at the gallery…
man, you must have a good camera…"

After an exquisite dinner in cool company, the cook comes to the photographer:

"…and monsieur, how was your meal?"

"Absolutely fantastic!" …you must have a good frying pan…"

 

[WileyCoyote]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3.I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8.She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was ' Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13.The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

 

[WileyCoyote]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, right in the middle of the magicians show the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....



"OK, I give up. Where's the f#*kin' ship?"

 

[WileyCoyote]

How many photographers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Six. One to climb the ladder and change the bulb, and five to stand around the ladder and say "I could've done that".

b: Six. One to climb the ladder and five to argue over the appropriate color temperature.

C: None, Photographers don't worry about changing the bulb, they'll just photoshop it

 

[mikew_RIP]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal.


The doctor says, "Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bert replies, " God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I am done, poof!, the light goes off."


"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "Bert's doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God".
" Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH MY GAWD! Ethel screams, " He's using the fridge again !!!!!.

 

[nikonpup]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.