Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

R

Rancher_RIP

RIP
Medical Exams
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf femalepatient's anterior chest wall. ​
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA​
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR​

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, ' So how's your breakfast this morning?'​
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit ​

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hairhad been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. ' ​
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN, no name ​
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . . I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'




She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .'Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.' ;>)


Dr. wouldn't submit his name...



A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waitingfor the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. ​
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and beinga little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.​
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. ​
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby isunderweight. You don't have any milk.' ​
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma …but I'm glad I came.';>)​

 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
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nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from?
(A poul-tree!)
 
J

Jackpot

Senior Member
95 year old man is extremely hard of hearing and must bring his wife everywhere as he has learned to read her lips to understand what's going on around him.

One day the old couple go to the doctor for his yearly physical. The doctorwanting to be thorough, say to the old man "I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample, a blood sample and a sperm sample."

The old man turns to his wife and says 'What?"

The old man's wife turns to the old man and yells back "the doctor wants your underwear!"
 
Marilynne

Marilynne

Administrator
Staff member
Super Mod
Contributor



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A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house; she approaches him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asks in a soft sweet voice. Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies "No." Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" Intrigued he answers "Uh, no."

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now" she says as she leans down and whispers "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" Totally confused and excited he stammers "No-o-o-o-o." "Well" she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."




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S

STM

Senior Member
Marilynne said:


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A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house; she approaches him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asks in a soft sweet voice. Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies "No." Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" Intrigued he answers "Uh, no."

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now" she says as she leans down and whispers "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" Totally confused and excited he stammers "No-o-o-o-o." "Well" she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."




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Love is grand..............divorce a HUNDRED GRAND
 
S

STM

Senior Member
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And who doesn't like lawyer jokes?

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.
 
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nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
OLD GOLFER

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

 
J

Just-Clayton

Senior Member
A man was in prison for 10 yrs. During that time he was able to train an ant to do several tricks. When his day came to get out , he was going to make lots of money on his ant. He decides to get a drink at the first bar he stops at. He figured he would get a few drinks showing off his talented ant. The man sits down and gets the bartenders attention. He says to the bartender " sir, do you see this ant?" The bartender looks down and smacks the ant on the bar and says " Is that ant bothering you??"
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy! I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
The old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the sun rise,
sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he
is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35
ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, what'cha
got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?Signed,
Perplexed
 
R

Rexer John

Senior Member
It's my wifes 50th birthday this year so I decided to get her something expensive.
Not wanting to buy something that would go to waste, I said "Darling, we haven't been very close the past year or two but this is a special birthday and I want to get you something expensive, what do you want?".
She said, " I want a divorce!"
Bloody hell, I wasn't thinking of spending that much.
 
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