Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[Marcel]

A pedestrian gets hit by a truck while crossing the street. He wakes up in the hospital and looks up, sees the doctor at his side.
The doctor says well, you were lucky to get out of it alive, I have a bad news and a good news for you, which one do you want to hear first?

The guy says "well, let's hear the bad one first".

Doctor: " You were so badly injured that I had to amputate both your legs".

Guy: So, can I have the good news?

Doctor: "Yes, you and I share the same size shoes. And I'd be more than happy to buy your alligator shoes!"

 

[TedG954]

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire: While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

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[Pierro]

Discover: a record sleeve
Impeccable: bird proof
Rapscallion: Funky hip hop spring onion
Illegal: Sick bird of prey
Minimum: A very small mother
Bacteria: A rear entrance to a cafeteria
Copper Nitrate: Overtime for policemen.
Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
Warehouse: What you ask for when you're lost
Baloney: Where some women's hemlines fall.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Eclipse: What a barber does for a living.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Pharmacist: A farm helper
Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus
Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins
Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.
Porcupine: A craving for bacon.
Houmous: A spreadable Greek joke
Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Stalemate: An old spouse.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies.
Bouyant: A male insect.
Myth: A female moth
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Relief: What trees do in the spring

 

[Pierro]

A sceptical anthropologist was catalogueing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

 

[Pierro]

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

[Pierro]

It took me a while to understand that one

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

It took me a while to understand that one

I had to read it twice. But it is very funny. My wife is a English teacher and I just sent it to her. We will see how it goes with her.

 

[TedG954]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?"
*******

 

[Roy1961]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father,
his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when
the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya nutter.

 

[fotojack]

hehehe......always liked this one.

 

[TedG954]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
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"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
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"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
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Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At an Optometrist's Office:
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"If you don't see what you're looking for,
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you've come to the right place."
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On a Plumber's truck:
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"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
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"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
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"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
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"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
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"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
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"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a oMaternity Room door:
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"Push. Push. Push."
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At a Car Dealership:
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"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
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"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
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"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
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"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
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However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
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"Don't stand there and be hungry;
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come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
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"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
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"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
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"Best place in town to take a leak."
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And the best one for last............
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
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"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."=​

 

[snaphappy]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

[nikonpup]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should
be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing set," replies the drunk

 

[Roy1961]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want Maria?"

 

[TedG954]

 

[Don Kuykendall_RIP]

Now that is really funny.

 

[Horoscope Fish]

Worm Goes in the Hole...

A little boy and his dad are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

"Hey, dad, betcha five bucks I can put that worm back in the hole."

Dad surveys the situation and says, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't."

The kid runs into the house and comes back out a minute later with a can of hair spray, grabs the worm and sprays the thing 'til it's straight and stiff as a board. He then proceeds to shove the worm back into the hole. Dad looks shocked but knows when he's been had. Reaches for his wallet and hands his son five dollars as promised. Suddenly dad gets a bright idea, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

'Bout an hour later Dad comes swaggering back out and hands his son *twenty* dollars. The kid looks up a him and says, "But dad, you already gave me five dollars." Dad replies, "I know. That's from your mother."

 

[snaphappy]

Hey I can't see anything but a question mark in a blue square for #35

 

[STM]

A man walks up to the counter and orders a ham sandwich. The person behind the counter asks "Are you a democrat by chance?" The man replies, "well yes I am, but why do you ask?" The clerk responds "because you are in a hardware store, you dope!"

Ok, you feel free to insert anything you want for "democrat"!

 

[STM]

Ok, this is getting worse than politics and religion!!!!

Yes, but politicians of all descriptions are jokes all unto themselves!