Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs from Nepal, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room.
1,000 years pass... Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men.
He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please... Get m-me out of here..." Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally.
"The second man must have done better than that one",
Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever.
The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"
One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem Adam?" God replied. "Lord, I know you created me, and have provided for me, and surrounded me with this beautiful garden, and all these wonderful animals, but... " "I'm just not happy." "Oh, and why is that Adam?" came the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food, and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution... " "I shall create a Woman for you." "What's a Woman Lord?" "This Woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created." "She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it." "She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy." "Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth." "She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire." "She will be the perfect companion for you," replied the heavenly voice. "Wow, she sounds great Lord!" "She will be, but this is going to cost you Adam." "How much will this Woman cost me Lord?" Adam inquired. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam raised his head, and said to God...
A city slicker retires to the country... Following a successful career on Wall Street, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life. He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built. Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in. The next morning, he decides to go for a stroll around his property, taking in the sights and sounds of nature. As he's walking along the fence line, listening to cows mooing in the distance from the other side of the fence, watching bees and butterflies flying around doing their stuff, and thinking life's just great here, he hears a clucking noise coming from just up ahead. He slows his pace as the clucking gets louder, so as not to disturb whatever is going on. After walking another 10 or 15 feet, an egg rolls underneath the fence and lands right in his path. Excitedly, he bends down, picks up the egg and mutters out loud, "Wow, This is so cool, I'm going to have this for breakfast." A head pops up from the other side of the fence, and he hears, "Howdy, you must be the new neighbor, can you give me my egg back?" Jim says, "It's on my land, it's my egg and I'm going to enjoy it." The farmer replies, "My chicken laid that egg, so it's my egg." Jim replies, "My land, my egg." The farmer replies, "My chicken, my egg." They go back and forth, then the farmer says, "You're obviously not from around these parts, but when we have a dispute here, we have a way to settle it." Jim says, "Ok, go ahead and explain." The farmer says, "This is how it goes, I kick you in the balls, then you kick me in the balls. We keep taking turns until one of us gives up. Whichever one of us can't take it any more, loses." Jim says, "Right then, let's go." The farmer hops the fence and they square up against each other. Jim braces and the farmer takes two steps back, then leans in and delivers a direct hit. Jim falls to the ground and retches, clutching his groin and rolling around in the dirt. After around four or five minutes, Jim finds his feet and says, "Ok bud, my turn now." The farmer replies, "You can keep the egg."