Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
**"High-Octane Hangover"**
Bud and Jim were two drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics at the Atlanta airport. One foggy afternoon, the airport was completely shut down, leaving them stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud let out a long sigh.
**"Man, I wish we had something to drink."**
Jim scratched his head and said,
**"You know, I heard somewhere that you can drink jet fuel and get a pretty good buzz."**
Bud raised an eyebrow.
**"Seriously? Well… we don’t have anything better to do."**
So, they grabbed a couple of glasses, poured themselves some high-octane jet fuel, toasted to boredom, and got completely hammered.
The next morning, Bud woke up feeling shockingly great—no headache, no hangover, not even the usual regrets. Just as he was marveling at this miracle, his phone rang. It was Jim.
**"Hey man, how do you feel?"** Jim asked.
**"I feel fantastic! No hangover, nothing! How about you?"** Bud replied.
**"Same here! That jet fuel is magic. We should do this more often!"**
**"Absolutely,"** Bud agreed. **"It’s like the perfect drink."**
There was a brief pause on the line.
**"Hey Bud,"** Jim said hesitantly, **"just one thing…"**
**"What’s that?"** Bud asked.
**"Have you farted yet?"**
Bud thought for a second.
**"No… why?"**
Jim’s voice dropped to a panic-stricken whisper.
**"DON’T. I’m in PHOENIX!"**
nikonpup
Senior Member
### **A Game of Confessions**
Four older women sat around a table, playing Bridge, their usual afternoon ritual.
After a brief silence, the first lady sighed and said, *“Since we’re all such close friends, I have a confession to make. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry—I’ve never taken anything from you, and I never will. Our friendship means too much to me.”*
The second woman nodded and added, *“Well, if we’re being honest, I have something to share too. I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry—I’ve never been interested in your husbands. They’re just not my type, and our friendship is far too valuable.”*
The third lady chuckled and said, *“Alright, my turn. I have a confession as well—I’m a lesbian. But don’t worry, ladies, you’re not my type, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”*
For a moment, the table fell silent. Then, the fourth woman suddenly pushed back her chair, grinning mischievously.
*“Well, I have a confession too! I’m an uncontrollable gossip… and I have some phone calls to make!”*
Four older women sat around a table, playing Bridge, their usual afternoon ritual.
After a brief silence, the first lady sighed and said, *“Since we’re all such close friends, I have a confession to make. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry—I’ve never taken anything from you, and I never will. Our friendship means too much to me.”*
The second woman nodded and added, *“Well, if we’re being honest, I have something to share too. I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry—I’ve never been interested in your husbands. They’re just not my type, and our friendship is far too valuable.”*
The third lady chuckled and said, *“Alright, my turn. I have a confession as well—I’m a lesbian. But don’t worry, ladies, you’re not my type, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”*
For a moment, the table fell silent. Then, the fourth woman suddenly pushed back her chair, grinning mischievously.
*“Well, I have a confession too! I’m an uncontrollable gossip… and I have some phone calls to make!”*
nikonpup
Senior Member
The Polite Way to Pee
In a manners class, the teacher asked:
"Michael, if you were on a dinner date, how would you tell the lady you needed the bathroom?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
Teacher: "Rude and impolite!"
"Sherman, your turn."
Sherman: "I’m sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
Teacher: "Better… but you still shouldn’t say bathroom at the dinner table."
"Alright, Johnny—show us your best manners."
Johnny: "I’d say: Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I need to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine… who I hope to introduce to you after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
In a manners class, the teacher asked:
"Michael, if you were on a dinner date, how would you tell the lady you needed the bathroom?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
Teacher: "Rude and impolite!"
"Sherman, your turn."
Sherman: "I’m sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
Teacher: "Better… but you still shouldn’t say bathroom at the dinner table."
"Alright, Johnny—show us your best manners."
Johnny: "I’d say: Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I need to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine… who I hope to introduce to you after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
nikonpup
Senior Member
A clearly inebriated woman, stark nâked, jumped into a taxi i
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eye: wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a nāked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver slowly answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my bôobs or my bütt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eye: wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a nāked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver slowly answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my bôobs or my bütt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
nikonpup
Senior Member
Two little old ladies, Niamh and Tara, were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall in Limerick, where the annual flower show was in full swing.
Niamh, the shorter of the two, let out a dramatic sigh. “Life’s so boring these days, Tara. We never do anything fun anymore. I’ll tell you what—if you give me €10, I’ll strip off and streak through that flower show right now!”
Tara’s eyes widened in surprise, but then a mischievous grin spread across her face. She pulled a €10 bill from her purse and waved it. “Go on, then, Niamh. Let’s see if you’ve still got it!”
With a glint in her eye, Niamh began the slow and deliberate process of undressing. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display, stuck it between her teeth, and with as much flair as an old lady could muster, she shuffled through the flower show doors, bare as the day she was born.
Tara stayed on the bench, biting her lip to stifle her laughter as she listened to the chaos inside—gasps, cheers, and bursts of applause filled the air. Moments later, Niamh emerged, grinning from ear to ear, her clothes draped over one arm. She was flanked by a small crowd clapping and cheering her on.
Tara blinked in astonishment. “What in the name of heaven happened in there?”
Niamh gave her a sly wink and held up a crisp €100 bill. “Turns out, I won first prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!’”
Niamh, the shorter of the two, let out a dramatic sigh. “Life’s so boring these days, Tara. We never do anything fun anymore. I’ll tell you what—if you give me €10, I’ll strip off and streak through that flower show right now!”
Tara’s eyes widened in surprise, but then a mischievous grin spread across her face. She pulled a €10 bill from her purse and waved it. “Go on, then, Niamh. Let’s see if you’ve still got it!”
With a glint in her eye, Niamh began the slow and deliberate process of undressing. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display, stuck it between her teeth, and with as much flair as an old lady could muster, she shuffled through the flower show doors, bare as the day she was born.
Tara stayed on the bench, biting her lip to stifle her laughter as she listened to the chaos inside—gasps, cheers, and bursts of applause filled the air. Moments later, Niamh emerged, grinning from ear to ear, her clothes draped over one arm. She was flanked by a small crowd clapping and cheering her on.
Tara blinked in astonishment. “What in the name of heaven happened in there?”
Niamh gave her a sly wink and held up a crisp €100 bill. “Turns out, I won first prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!’”