Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

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Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
A secret source has leaked that Boeing is already working on an updated version of Air Force 1, with the expectation that Hillary wins the Presidency in 2016.
Prototype attached.

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Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A man goes to the circus manager and asks for a job. The manger asks "What can you do?" "Well," says the guy, "it's easier if I show you."

He starts flapping his arms, and runs then he takes off and flies around and around inside the big top, looping around the poles, perching on the high wire and eventually he swoops back to the manager and lands softly in front of him.

The manager looks at him for a minute, strokes his chin and says "That's all you do? Bird impersonations?"
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
A policeman pulls over a car in the middle of the night: "Sir, do you realise just how badly your car was swerving all over the road?"

"I'm sorry officer, but I've been in the pub all night and I'm really drunk".

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive".
 
J

JH Foto

Senior Member
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.
 
hark

hark

Administrator
Staff member
Super Mod
Contributor
Not a joke but something that happened this morning.

I let my dogs outside in our fenced in yard. On the other side of the fence, and slightly behind me out of view, was a wren (a tiny bird) making a lot of commotion. I assumed it was chirping a warning because of letting the dogs out. A minute or so later, a squirrel went running across the top of the fence heading towards a telephone pole. He hopped from the fence he was on (chain link fence) to a vinyl fence when suddenly the wren went after him. Initially I thought it was a coincidence, but the wren quickly caught up to the squirrel, and as the wren approached the squirrel, it reached out with its feet and pushed that squirrel causing it to topple off the fence! Since it was a vinyl fence, I couldn't tell whether the squirrel made it to the telephone pole as it was three to four feet away when it got pushed off.

I guess the squirrel got too close to the wren's nest but had no idea they'd go after an animal that way. It was surprising to see and definitely amusing to watch. ;)
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
I read today that winemakers have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. The aim is to reduce the number of trips to the bathroom that older people have to make during the night.
They’re going to call it, “Pinot More”.
I heard it through the grapevine.
 
hark

hark

Administrator
Staff member
Super Mod
Contributor
Mike150 said:
hIya Hark
I've seen the mockngbirds aound here go after cats, dogs and even ME for gettingtoo close to her nest
Click to expand...

Haven't seen any of our mocking birds do that but did see one sitting on a fence next to a young hawk that sounded distressed. The mocking bird was listening diligently while the hawk lamented. Whether the mocking bird became lunch for the hawk, I don't know. ;)

I'm not sure how bright of a squirrel it is. The next morning when I let my dogs out (fenced in yard), apparently the squirrel was having a feast at the bird feeder. It immediately ran towards a close section of the fence which happened to be right behind me. So there it was running right at me but stopped abruptly and froze about a foot-and-a-half from where I stood. It wasn't sure what to do, but after several seconds, it decided to take the long route and ran right across the middle of the yard. By that time, the dogs noticed the squirrel and took chase. Fortunately the little guy made it safely over the fence.

So if cats have 9 lives, I wonder how many lives squirrels have. :beguiled: Because at this rate, it won't be around for long!
 
T

TedG954

Senior Member
380px-USMC-E9-SGMMC.svg.png




A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local arts college.


There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"


"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"


"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time)
 
F

Fortkentdad

Senior Member
The local grocery store decided to install some enhancements, when you walk by the milk cooler it "moo's" and you get a whiff of the smell of fresh hay. Just before the mister sprays the produce with water you hear the sounds of distance thunder and the smell of fresh air. In the egg section the smell of bacon and eggs cooking entices you to buy some eggs. I no longer buy toilet paper in that store.
 
J

JH Foto

Senior Member
So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”



medical-cartoon.jpg


I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.


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