Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Michael J.
Senior Member
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Michael J.
Senior Member
Early Facebook
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
When your handbrakes fail either one of these will work.
April Fool's 2015 TV ad for North America.
Toilet tissue brand spoofs maker culture for April Fools / Boing Boing
Toilet tissue brand spoofs maker culture for April Fools / Boing Boing
kevy73
Senior Member
A young boy says to his father "Dad, my maths teacher is asking to see you.
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, you have to see the gym teacher too."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the maths teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's exactly what I said" replied the boy.
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, you have to see the gym teacher too."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the maths teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's exactly what I said" replied the boy.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
nikonpup
Senior Member
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
nikonpup
Senior Member
- “He is alive, but only in the sense that he can’t be legally buried.”
Geoffrey Madan - “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” George Burns
- “I do wish I could tell you my age but it’s impossible. It keeps changing
all the time.” Greer Garson. - “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control
of your estate.” Woody Allen - “The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.” Sophie Tucker
- “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” Patrick Moore. - “At my age flowers scare me.” George Burns.
- “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two
of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner - “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.” George Burns. - “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my
nap.” Bob Hope
nikonpup
Senior Member
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
nikonpup
Senior Member
[h=3]"Ode to getting old"[/h] Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;
I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.
For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.
And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt. Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.
I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned. I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.
And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?
Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.
So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.
Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.
For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.
And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt. Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.
I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned. I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.
And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?
Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.
So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.
Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
nikonpup
Senior Member
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."