Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
1. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
2. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
3. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pee soup.
4. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
5. What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
6. How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
7. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
8. Money doesn’t grow on trees, right? So why does every bank have so many branches?
9. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
10. How do fish get high? Seaweed.
11. What do computers snack on? Microchips.
12. Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg? He’s all right now.
13. What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, cause it has the most stories.
14. How do trees get online? They log in.
15. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everything's fine now. He woke up.
16. People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.” I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
17. Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
18. What car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
19. What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck? “You can stay. Just don’t try to start anything.”
20. Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.
2. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
3. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pee soup.
4. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
5. What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
6. How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
7. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
8. Money doesn’t grow on trees, right? So why does every bank have so many branches?
9. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
10. How do fish get high? Seaweed.
11. What do computers snack on? Microchips.
12. Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg? He’s all right now.
13. What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, cause it has the most stories.
14. How do trees get online? They log in.
15. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everything's fine now. He woke up.
16. People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.” I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
17. Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
18. What car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
19. What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck? “You can stay. Just don’t try to start anything.”
20. Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.
nikonpup
Senior Member
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's often too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
- Victor Borge
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's often too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
[FONT="]A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]being chased[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]down by a cheetah. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]every day for the rest of your life.” The husband's eyebrows lifted. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....
<strong><span style="FONT-SIZE:14pt;FONT-FAMILY:"Helvetica",sans-serif;COLOR:black">
[/FONT]
[FONT="]being chased[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]down by a cheetah. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]every day for the rest of your life.” The husband's eyebrows lifted. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....
<strong><span style="FONT-SIZE:14pt;FONT-FAMILY:"Helvetica",sans-serif;COLOR:black">
nikonpup
Senior Member
A policeman in Sydney stops a man in a car with a kangaroo in the front seat. "What are you doing with that kangaroo?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the kangaroo again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that kangaroo to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
`I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
`I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
This man stumbled home from the bar one night. What followed was priceless.
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”
St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never” replies Brian.
“Well just relax and let it happen” says the rooster.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…. Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken sod, you’re sh*tting on the bed!!”
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”
St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never” replies Brian.
“Well just relax and let it happen” says the rooster.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…. Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken sod, you’re sh*tting on the bed!!”