Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
Might just steal that and use it as a signature line .... love it.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
(You can't make up this stuff)
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
(You can't make up this stuff)
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
One evening, after the honeymoon, Dave was assembling loading up his telephoto gear to head out on a wildlife photoshoot. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence Carol finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit spending so much time just taking pictures, you could sell all that stuff and do something else.
Dave gets this horrified look on his face.
Carol says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't
After a long period of silence Carol finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit spending so much time just taking pictures, you could sell all that stuff and do something else.
Dave gets this horrified look on his face.
Carol says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
You were married, or wish you weren't married, this
Is something to smile about the next time you see a
Bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:
'Good trade.....'
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
You were married, or wish you weren't married, this
Is something to smile about the next time you see a
Bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:
'Good trade.....'
I may have posted this before but its just been sent to me again
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
| Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly after publishing this letter. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby. His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Ron, somehow, without looking, accidentally fell down on his golf club. |
Thomas the Tank Engine
>
> A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
>
> She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you b*****ds who
want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who
are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
>
> The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
> When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language.'
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
> with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.
> We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one.'
> She hears the little boy continue,
>
> 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
> We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
>
> As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
>
> 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the fat controller in the kitchen.'
>
> A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
>
> She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you b*****ds who
want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who
are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
>
> The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
> When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language.'
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
> with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.
> We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one.'
> She hears the little boy continue,
>
> 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
> We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
>
> As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
>
> 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the fat controller in the kitchen.'
A man walks in this bar on Deansgate and orders three pints of Best bitter and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The man replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Manchester. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
John the man becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
John looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,
“Oh no,” he says, “Oh My Goodness No its nothing like that, everyone is fine! It’s me … I’ve quit drinking!”
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The man replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Manchester. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
John the man becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
John looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,
“Oh no,” he says, “Oh My Goodness No its nothing like that, everyone is fine! It’s me … I’ve quit drinking!”
“Build a Damn Fence!”
From The Manitoba Herald , Canada ;
by Clive Runnels, December 1st 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
From The Manitoba Herald , Canada ;
by Clive Runnels, December 1st 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
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The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight back to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists'
Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacists, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My Doctor told me to get my Urine tested for Sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!
Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacists, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My Doctor told me to get my Urine tested for Sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!