Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

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paul04

Senior Member
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall....
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 
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paul04

Senior Member
Something not quite right here!!

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mikew_RIP

Senior Member
THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.





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He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!


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So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


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​
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince





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THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!
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She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

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D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
An 80-year-old Iowa Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Iowa and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight feeding cattle, mending fences, planting, baling hay, and when I'm not doing that,

I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Iowa Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!!...???? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
T he Age Gap


At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, memory loss has its advantages.

PS.. Have i posted this before ??????
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]Walking on the Grass
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass . "[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Yes?" said the Instructor.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[/FONT]
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Altar boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'






























 
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Mike150

Senior Member
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem , he dies from a fatal heart attack.



The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."



The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.



The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"



One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply can't take that risk".
 
F

Fortkentdad

Senior Member
A lovely one for Valentines

Five year old explains love: Love is when a lady puts on perfume, and a man puts on some aftershave, they go out and smell each other.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] When chemists die, they barium.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] now a seasoned veteran.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] He says he can stop any time.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] How does Moses make his tea?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] Hebrews it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] Then it dawned on me.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] but I'd never met herbivore.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I can't put it down.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I did a theatrical performance about puns.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] It was a play on words .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


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[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] This dyslexic man walks into a bra.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] What does a clock do when it's hungry?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] It goes back four seconds..[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] Broken pencils are pointless.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] A thesaurus.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] Police say they have nothing to go on.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] Velcro - what a rip off![/FONT]
 
D

Don Kuykendall_RIP

RIP :(
Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bob's boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.'

His boss is skeptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarrassed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob.

A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes "Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, let's have a drink together." Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you don't know the pope'.

Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isn't gonna work, he's never going to see me here when there's this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital.

'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?' 'No, it wasn't that, I sort of expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pajamas standing next to Bob there?'
 
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