Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
FIRST DEGRE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rangat 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 milesfrom here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Alabama Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
A married couple were asleep when the phone rangat 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 milesfrom here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Alabama Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
15 Absolutely Insane Pictures From The Internet - Dose - Your Daily Dose of Amazing
Photo fun
Scroll down to to the 9th one - that one belongs in the the "Photographing the Photographer" thread.
Photo fun
Scroll down to to the 9th one - that one belongs in the the "Photographing the Photographer" thread.
The following books hold the world record for the shortest stories, but you must have a good memory and be well-informed to fully appreciate the humor.
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods | |
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan & Michelle Obama Illustrated by Michael Moore Foreword by George Soros ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By "The Rev Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev Al Sharpton" ______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC By Amelia Earhart ____________________________________ HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY AT&T ______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY By Ted Kennedy _________ MY BOOK ON MORALS By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson And foreword by John Edwards ____________________________________________________ HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL BY THE OAKLAND RAIDERS ___________________________________________________ JUST ADDED: My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy By Nancy Pelosi ________________________________________________________ And the shortest book of them all... THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama |
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
This is for all my working friends here.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A business man gets on the elevator on the cruise ship he was on ,as he entered there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzle and repeated "t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered "s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again "s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered "s-h-i-t" means "Sorry Honey it`s Thursday."
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzle and repeated "t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered "s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again "s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered "s-h-i-t" means "Sorry Honey it`s Thursday."
singlerosa_RIP
Senior Member
Scroll down to to the 9th one - that one belongs in the the "Photographing the Photographer" thread.
For a minute there, I thought that was your photo post......(not that there's anything wrong with it/that/whatever)
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
An 85 year old woman married for the fourth time.
Her most recent husband is a funeral director.
Her first husband had been a banker.
The second husband an circus performer.
Her third a preacher, and now this funeral director.
You could say she married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
Her most recent husband is a funeral director.
Her first husband had been a banker.
The second husband an circus performer.
Her third a preacher, and now this funeral director.
You could say she married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
The first cup/jockstrap was used in Hockey in 1874.
The first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for man to realize that the brain is also important.
nikonpup
Senior Member
HALF PRICE
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar—ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men order a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four
excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That’s 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million dollars and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything
the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?”
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida ."
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar—ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men order a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four
excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That’s 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million dollars and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything
the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?”
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida ."
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque .
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"...
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque .
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"...
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"