Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
nikonpup
Senior Member
Sooo... what's the problem?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(YES, YES, GO AHEAD - READ IT AGAIN)
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the river"
This is a frightening statistic !
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?
He must pay !
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
It took me a minute, but after I thought about it I got it...Good one !!!!
nikonpup
Senior Member
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"
"It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
[FONT="]A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"[/FONT]
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"[/FONT]
nikonpup
Senior Member
The ultimate SUPER BOWL Story:
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than
the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows
off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes
his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of
the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than
the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows
off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes
his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of
the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
nikonpup
Senior Member
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fogie
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT="]A POSITIVE ATTITUDE[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]
The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all
around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse
hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel
anything from the waist down." I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel
your tits, then?"
NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE[/FONT]
[FONT="]
The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all
around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse
hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel
anything from the waist down." I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel
your tits, then?"
NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE[/FONT]
Can i ask for this picture to be removed,i dont mind but my wife objects to our picture being on the web
http://
Only joking
sonicbuffalo_RIP
Senior Member
Reminds me of Orient Beach in St. Martin.