Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[pk63015]

A teacher had each of her students stand up and tell the class what their fathers job was, spell it, and what they would do if they were in class today.

Judy stood up and said my dad is a Baker. B-A-K-E-R if she was here today she would give us a cookie

Joey stood up and said my dad is a Banker B-A-N-K-E-R if he was here he would give us a dime

Mike stood up and said my dad is an Electrician E-L em E-L..... The teacher said sit down Mike that is a hard word, you think about it and we will come back to you.

Kim stood up and said My dad is a Bookie B-O-O-K-I-E if he was here today he would give us 10 to 1 that Mike can't spell Electrician !!!

 

[mikew_RIP]

Love poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..









[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. !!

 

[mikew_RIP]

Old one

 

[TedG954]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

MURDER AT THE WalMart... Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this.) \/ \/ \/ \/ 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!!'

​

​

[/FONT]​

 

[Englischdude]

The Nun - brilliant

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier

crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough

Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

 

[randyspann]

There are three kinds of people: those that can count and those who can't.

 

[TedG954]

 

[nikonpup]

PUN:
[FONT=&quot]Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
[/FONT]

 

[mikew_RIP]

Old bull and young bull standing in the corner of a field,young bull says lets run over thee and screw a few of those cows,old bull looks at him and says i have a better idea, lets slowly wonder over there and screw them all.

 

[pk63015]

Farmer bought a new Rooster, after a day or so in the pen he saw the old Rooster sitting off to the side. He wandered over and said "Well Pops I guess Im now King of the Roost the farmer brought me in to do the job you cant't do any more."

The old Rooster looked up and said " Sonny I am still as Viral and cunning today as I was when I came, and to prove it we will have a foot race from one end of the pen to the other" "Whoever loses leaves the Pen, but since I am older you have to give me a Head Start"

So the race starts and the new Rooster is gaining on the old Rooster and just as he is about to Catch up the Old Rooster starts to Crow and Bellow and make all sorts of racket, the Farmer comes out with a shotgun and shoots and kills the New Rooster. As he turns he shakes his head and says

" Thats the 3rd Gay Rooster this Year"

 

[pk63015]

 

[mikew_RIP]

[FONT=&quot]Hard to believe these were published in the 30's & 40's.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]The most famous artist of this type of ‘saucy seaside postcard’ was Donald McGill, [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]who when he was nearly 80 was put on trial under the Obscene Publications Act [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and found guilty and fined.

[/FONT]

 

[Whiskeyman]

I was at a bar the other night, and after my third drink, I asked the bartender for another and directions to the mens room.

He replied that it was out behind the bar... and sure enough it was an outhouse; a two seater.

So I'm standing there doing my business when another fellow walks through the door and idles up to the remaining spot. After a moment of arranging things, several coins fall out of his pocket and onto the seat, only to fall into the depths below. He then proceeds to take his wallet out of his back pocket, remove a twenty-dollar bill and throw it down the hole.

I was flabbergasted and asked "What did you do that for?" to which he replied "Buddy, I ain't going down there for just a quarter!"

 

[nikonpup]

Q: Why don't cows have any money?

A: Because farmers milk them dry.

 

[nikonpup]

A priest was delivering a sermon entitled "Stand Still and let the good Lord Fight your battles", on the topic of not fighting but letting God vanquish evil himself.
As he was delivering the sermon, a gust of wind lifted his garment and the congregation noticed he was carrying a gun.

After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carrying a gun?
You did say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"

"I do", said the priest "the gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here".

 

[nikonpup]

Three Kicks​

A big-city, anti-gun lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

 

[nikonpup]

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

 

[fotojack]

Why old men don't get hired.

Interviewer to old applicant: "So...what would you consider to be your greatest weakness?"

Old applicant: "Honesty."

Interviewer: " I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old applicant: "I don't give a shit what you think."

 

[mikew_RIP]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
​

**'Hello?'**​

​

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**​

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**​

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**​

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**​

Brief Pause.​

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**​

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**​

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**​

**'I did it, Daddy.'**​

**'And what happened, honey?' **​

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**​

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**​

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**​

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**​

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**​

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**​

*****Long Pause*****​

*****Longer Pause*****​

*****Even Longer Pause*****​

**Then Daddy says,**​

**'Swimming pool? ............**​

**Is this 486-5731?'*​

**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
​

 

[mikew_RIP]

[FONT=&quot]> Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
> sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min
> (charges may vary)
>
> Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to
> end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
>
>
> If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
> of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
>
> They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm
> wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is
> going to shift this beer belly.
>
> When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and
> put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. [/FONT]