Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Blade Canyon
Senior Member
Nikonpup reminded me of this one:
nikonpup
Senior Member
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
nikonpup
Senior Member
airplane joke
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane.
Turning around to the rear seat he said,
"Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane.
Turning around to the rear seat he said,
"Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
GRANDMOTHER:
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment.
A duck walks into a drug store and buys some chapstick. The clerk says, “Will that be cash or charge?” The duck says, “Just put it on my bill!”
Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Q: What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? A: Shredded Tweet!
Q: How do you get down off an elephant? A: You don’t! You get down off a duck.
A duck walks into a drug store and buys some chapstick. The clerk says, “Will that be cash or charge?” The duck says, “Just put it on my bill!”
Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Q: What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? A: Shredded Tweet!
Q: How do you get down off an elephant? A: You don’t! You get down off a duck.
Getting old
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ........
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ........
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Fortkentdad
Senior Member
Love those retirement jokes - a little close to home as I've earned my rights to a full pension but still am going to to work . . .
just not ready to be a 'senior' (but I take those 10% discounts every chance I get anyway) and that line about those of us still working being "nuts" - well - ouch - that may be true.
Just not ready for the income adjustment yet - want the income to buy just one more lens for my D610 .... but that D750 looks like it has my name on it, better work another couple of months for one of them too. . . .
just not ready to be a 'senior' (but I take those 10% discounts every chance I get anyway) and that line about those of us still working being "nuts" - well - ouch - that may be true.
Just not ready for the income adjustment yet - want the income to buy just one more lens for my D610 .... but that D750 looks like it has my name on it, better work another couple of months for one of them too. . . .
Love those retirement jokes - a little close to home as I've earned my rights to a full pension but still am going to to work . . .
just not ready to be a 'senior' (but I take those 10% discounts every chance I get anyway) and that line about those of us still working being "nuts" - well - ouch - that may be true.
Just not ready for the income adjustment yet - want the income to buy just one more lens for my D610 .... but that D750 looks like it has my name on it, better work another couple of months for one of them too. . . .
Difficult decision that,I decided to curb my spending and get out,there would always be something on the horizon to chase.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box
and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and
threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box
and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and
threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s hooker."
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s hooker."