Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
An old one
Purchasing or Leasing
Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing..
We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
foolish men and cunning women.
Purchasing
The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
it ended up with him purchasing @ $26,849 per time.
Leasing
On the other hand,
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favourite hooker, Kristen,
charged $4,000 per night.
So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41..7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Purchasing or Leasing
Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing..
We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
foolish men and cunning women.
Purchasing
The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
it ended up with him purchasing @ $26,849 per time.
Leasing
On the other hand,
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favourite hooker, Kristen,
charged $4,000 per night.
So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41..7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Back when I was 10 and in school, our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
nikonpup
Senior Member
EMAIL
The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law
boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she
asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an
email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a
day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found?
Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the
end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm
down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that.
Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her and find out what happened." A few minutes later,
the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there
must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."
The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law
boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she
asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an
email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a
day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found?
Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the
end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm
down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that.
Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her and find out what happened." A few minutes later,
the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there
must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."
Husband s call:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe.
Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury but
I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg,
and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife s Response:
"Who is Paula?"
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe.
Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury but
I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg,
and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife s Response:
"Who is Paula?"
nikonpup
Senior Member
HEALTH ALERT:
[FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.[/FONT]
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,
IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIf
YouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,
IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIf
YouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.
nikonpup
Senior Member
BAD LUCK
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you’re bad luck....."
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you’re bad luck....."
| A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. |
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
nikonpup
Senior Member
Got a sign?
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
:
"We would be delighted if you send in your
p
ayment.
However, if you don't, you will be
delighted."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Church Ladies With Typewriters -
Read them carefully to improve your own English
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.
'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,
' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM ..
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
This one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Read them carefully to improve your own English
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services
| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.
'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,
' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM ..
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
This one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Michael J.
Senior Member
Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Michael J.
Senior Member
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
Michael J.
Senior Member
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
nikonpup
Senior Member
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
“I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computerscreen.”
The surprised salesman replies: “But, madam, computers do not have curtains…. ”
And the blonde said: “Uh hellooo… I’ve got Windows!”