Scott Murray
Senior Member
Here's one for those waiting for spring.
Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
[FONT="]Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having
[FONT="]Pension
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]sex.' [/FONT]
[FONT="]
'[/FONT][FONT="]Pension [/FONT][FONT="]sex?' 'Yeah, you know. [/FONT]
'[/FONT][FONT="]Pension [/FONT][FONT="]sex?' 'Yeah, you know. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I get a little each month but not enough to live on!'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT="] LOUD SEX
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'[/FONT]
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="] QUIET SEX
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and [/FONT]
[FONT="]asks his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' [/FONT]
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' [/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT]
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2
nikonpup
Senior Member
-One day a husband goes to a carpenter and asks how much it would cost to build a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide, and 50 feet long. When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the husband replies, "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put
pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you
got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.
Gentle Thoughts for Today -
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
. ... AMEN
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put
pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you
got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.
Gentle Thoughts for Today -
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
. ... AMEN
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different.
He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different.
He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
donaldjledet
Senior Member
Like that's funny. Hope she took it in stride.
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures...
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!
nikonpup
Senior Member
LITTLE JOHNNY
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, 'All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.'The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, 'Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?'Johnny says, 'Seventy-three.'The teacher says, 'Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good...'She calls on Becky in the front and says, 'All right, Becky, how about you?'Becky says, 'Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl.'Johnny yells, 'Seventy-four.'
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, 'All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.'The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, 'Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?'Johnny says, 'Seventy-three.'The teacher says, 'Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good...'She calls on Becky in the front and says, 'All right, Becky, how about you?'Becky says, 'Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl.'Johnny yells, 'Seventy-four.'
Michael J.
Senior Member
Great Alan, I will post this on Facebook.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
