Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

[nikonpup]

A Glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine;
And to those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
And in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we will have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - that is, the bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when we drink wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey, or any other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it 's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I 'm doing it as a public service.

 

[nikonpup]

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

 

[nikonpup]

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

 

[nikonpup]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

 

[weebee]

 

[WeeHector]

A guy meets his pal in a pub one evening and finds he is really upset.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"You know my dad works at the distillery? Well, he fell into a vat of whisky and drowned."
"My God! That's terrible," he replies. "Was it over quickly?"
"No. He got out 3 times to go to the toilet."

 

[Kevin H]

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[nikonpup]

What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

 

[nikonpup]

Flashlight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Just-Clayton]

For you Mother in-law haters.

A man was walking down a beach mumbling to himself about his Mother in-law. He finds a Genie bottle and rubs it. The genie says your allowed 3 wishes. But, any wish that is granted your mother in-law gets double. So, he decides to wish for a million dollars. The genie says you get a million and she gets 2 million. The man starts to get upset knowing she will rub it in. The next wish is to have a large house overlooking the ocean. "Fine" says the genie. But, the in-law gets two houses overlooking you. Again the man is flustered knowing his mother in-law will have more then him. So, for his last wish he comes up with the greatest wish. He says "I want to be beaten half to death"!!!.

Do understand I loved my mother in-law. she would laugh every time I told her this joke. She passed over 8 years ago and I miss her very much.

 

[nikonpup]

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

 

[nikonpup]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?""I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 

[Eduard]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

 

[nikonpup]

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. "Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!" "Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

 

[Scott Murray]

Aussie world problems... (Not my photo)

 

[Roy1961]

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back, a stick

i once tried to smuggle a boomerang into a bar, i got thrown out 67 times

 

[mikew_RIP]

Recovery gone wrong

 

[Deezey]

Recovery gone wrong

That....was a thing of beauty.

 

[mikew_RIP]

The they we do it in Australia!!!!!!!!

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less breasts nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

[nikonpup]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer."Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.""What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."The boy spit the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"