Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
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That is for writing paper, but for napkins, kleenex and toilet paper, you can fold a little more.
nikonpup
Senior Member
It’s almost impossible to fold a sheet of paper more than seven times, especially if the result must be flat, or nearly so, to qualify. (Go ahead and try it, readers!) Using larger and thinner paper allows a few more folds, but not nearly as many as you might expect because the paper’s surface area still diminishes by more than half with each fold, so it grows small and dense quickly. A record set by a high school student, who started with about three-quarters of a mile of bath tissue, was only 12 folds WHO HAS A ROLL THAT BIG?
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nikonpup
Senior Member
Thanksgiving Short Jokes
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their AGE!
Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their AGE!
Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
Carolina Photo Guy
Senior Member
I would have to question the veracity of that record. I mean, how in the hell did he have time to make twelve folds with a case of diahrea bad enough to NEED a roll of toilet paper three quarters of a mile!
nikonpup
Senior Member
A woman goes down stairs to see her husband crying in the kitchen. What's the matter honey she asks. He replies; Do you remember when you were 16 and I was 18. Your Dad caught us making love on the couch. It was go to jail for 20 years or get married. Yes I do honey but why are you crying. "I would have got out today" was his reply.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
The Affordable Boat Act
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.
This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can't afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.
If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.
Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your boat.
A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride in your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, (like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat.
Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...its only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.
This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can't afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.
If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.
Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your boat.
A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride in your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, (like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat.
Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...its only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Ole and Sven in Hell Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
nikonpup
Senior Member
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat
their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey
sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one
day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you
like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he said.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow
little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he
looked and said "That's right you are, better not eat any more
turkey."
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter.He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey. I'm
starting to get feathers down there too."
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got
the neck and gizzards!!!"
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat
their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey
sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one
day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you
like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he said.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow
little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he
looked and said "That's right you are, better not eat any more
turkey."
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter.He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey. I'm
starting to get feathers down there too."
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got
the neck and gizzards!!!"
Norman and the prostitute.
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
Michael J.
Senior Member
Lawrence, that made my day
During a recent audit by her company, it was found that an employee was using this password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:“Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:“Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
^^^^^^^^ Don, you are a thief
It was worth repeating.
Whiskeyman
Senior Member
On the way to school, two young boys walked past an old house with an old dog on the porch.
The first boy noticed that the dog is licking himself where male dogs tend to lick themselves, and exclaims to the other "Wow, I wish I could do that!"
The other boys just looks at the first, shakes his head and exclaims right back, "No you don''t. That dog would bite you!"
The first boy noticed that the dog is licking himself where male dogs tend to lick themselves, and exclaims to the other "Wow, I wish I could do that!"
The other boys just looks at the first, shakes his head and exclaims right back, "No you don''t. That dog would bite you!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
A little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
A little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
Rexer John
Senior Member
Just tried this with with a £20 note.
I managed to fold it in half 647 times before it tore at the fold.