Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Now that is funny.
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Michael J.
Senior Member
Not really a joke but i like it
There was a father who left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons.When the father passed away, his sons opened up the Will.
The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get ½ of total camels while the middle son should be given 1/3 (one-third) and the youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth)
of the total camels.
As it was not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man.
The wise man read the Will patiently. The wise man, after giving due thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.
Now, he started reading the deceased father’s Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.
Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back!
Moral: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th camel the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any
There was a father who left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons.When the father passed away, his sons opened up the Will.
The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get ½ of total camels while the middle son should be given 1/3 (one-third) and the youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth)
of the total camels.
As it was not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man.
The wise man read the Will patiently. The wise man, after giving due thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.
Now, he started reading the deceased father’s Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.
Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back!
Moral: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th camel the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any
Michael J.
Senior Member
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".
Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".
Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
Michael J.
Senior Member
A Newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
nikonpup
Senior Member
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing tramp stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The tramp turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing tramp stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The tramp turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
nikonpup
Senior Member
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
Michael J.
Senior Member
Michael J.
Senior Member
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops off at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie ..
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished.
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick!
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished.
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick!
nikonpup
Senior Member
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
Not a joke but a couple gave me a chuckle
Fathers then & now
Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Fathers then & now
Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
nice
Michael J.
Senior Member
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies,'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. '
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says,
'Agatha! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.'
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies,'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. '
St. Peter says,'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says,
'Agatha! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.'
WileyCoyote
Banned
When I was younger, I gave some thought to attending medical school, but I was confused and confounded by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
The rest became attorneys, and are now in Congress
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
The rest became attorneys, and are now in Congress
nikonpup
Senior Member
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!
Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!
Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.
Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?
A: Fast food!
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!
Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!
Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.
Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?
A: Fast food!
nikonpup
Senior Member
FISH JOKES.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
"I'm off the hook!"
Why don't fish like basketball?
Cause they're afraid of the net
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
soFISHticated
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A Loan shark!
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing?
Just for the halibut!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
Good morning ladies.
What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall?
Damn!
What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
Slobster
What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
"I'm off the hook!"
Why don't fish like basketball?
Cause they're afraid of the net
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
soFISHticated
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A Loan shark!
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing?
Just for the halibut!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
Good morning ladies.
What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall?
Damn!
What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
Slobster
What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!