Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
SOME FROM ACROSS THE POND:
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT ​





These are classified ads that were actually placed in U.K. newspapers: ​

​

​
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. ​
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ​
___________________________________________ ​

​
FREE PUPPIES ​
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ​
________________________________________________ ​

​
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. ​
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ​
_______________________________________________________ ​

​
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ​
________________________________________________________ ​

​
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! ​
Must sell washer and dryer £100. ​
_____________________________________________________________ ​

​
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. ​
Worn once by mistake. ​
Call Stephanie . ​
___________________________________________________________ ​

​
And the WINNER is... ​

​
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes. ​
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. ​
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. ​

 
Roy1961

Roy1961

Senior Member
Contributor
As I Mature

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof,
to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others- they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you have finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve realized that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
And there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house,
One of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
And all the less important ones just never go away.
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
SCOTTISHWEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


New Book

A man goes into a bookshop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men
with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"


Poor Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7

Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sicko





Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"


EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member


Children Are Quick


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


(I Love this child)
____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________


TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


(no confidence problem with this kid)
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: "I is ... "
TEACHER, Interrupting: "No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.' "
MILLIE: "All right ... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
________________________________


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________


TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher .
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Modern
Technology

I
was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could
borrow a newspaper.



‘This
is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'



I
can tell you -- that fly never knew what hit it...



the
look on my son's face.......... PRICELESS!
 
Michael J.

Michael J.

Senior Member
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one
10. Who is this?
 
S

STM

Senior Member
Fellow musicians will get a kick out of this one.............

15 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...

15. Man, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements, eh?
14. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that...it makes playing drums so easy...
13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again
12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!
11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?
10. Shouldn't we turn around and go back for the drummer?
9. Checkmate!
8. Sure. go ahead and roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
5. Why is there porno in the VCR?
4. Can you believe all the money we're getting?
3. Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
2. No thanks, I don't want another beer, I am trying to cut back.
1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 
S

snaphappy

Senior Member
Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters below to spell out the part of the human body which is at its useful best when upright and straight..???

P N E S I




​

The people who spelt SPINE became doctors...
The rest of you!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha​
 
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