Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
The Old Man
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to Church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful
old-man2-gif.gif
attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
The Old Man
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to Church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful
old-man2-gif.gif
attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
It Pays to be Old
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
141x133_heart6.gif
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared where Andy had carved
“I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: Fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.”
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.
“Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
 
P

pk63015

Senior Member
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT



In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS



In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS



Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR



Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.



On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad.
Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
 
E

Eyelight

Senior Member
This man is walking down the street one day, turns the corner and finds this man jumping up and down on a manhole cover and with each jump saying 51. He asked the jumping man what he was doing and he replies:

51, 51, ah man, 51, 51, this is the greatest, 51, 51, 51, funnest thing, 51, 51, 51, 51, I've ever, 51, 51, 51, 51, 51, done. 51, 51, you gotta, 51, 51, try it.

The walker says OK and the jumper moves aside, and the man starts jumping up and down on the manhole cover, but just as he starts the chant 51, 5..... the other man pulls the cover, man falls into the hole, throws the cover back on and starts jumping.


52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52, 52......
 
Last edited:
Marcel

Marcel

Happily retired
Staff member
Super Mod
Here's one that concerns photography. Hope I'm not going to offend ladies too much. Take it as a mere joke.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed
 
E

Englischdude

Senior Member
Marcel said:
Here's one that concerns photography. Hope I'm not going to offend ladies too much. Take it as a mere joke.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed
Click to expand...

great, just told this to my wife, she claims this must be a windup of sorts....... such a camera is impossible to design as it would break the laws of physics. :D
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Marcel said:
Here's one that concerns photography. Hope I'm not going to offend ladies too much. Take it as a mere joke.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed
Click to expand...

Not going to put a like on that, :D too dangerous
 
M

Mike150

Senior Member
Lets get really really really bad....


What did Cinderella say when she left the Photo Store???


Some day my prints will come.
 
G

grandpaw

Senior Member
A new use for Windex
.
.
See use below
.
..

.
..
..
.
.
.
.
.


If you ever get the sudden urge
to run around naked,

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.
 
Last edited:
Top