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  1. #241
    Senior Member
    Michael J.'s Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Just when you think you knew all the text abbreviations possible, then there's these:

    (_!_) regular arse

    (__!__) fat arse

    (!) tight arse

    (_*_) sore arse

    (_o_) well used arse

    (_e=mc2_) smart arse

    and my personal favourite,

    (_x_) kiss my arse!


    › See More: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    Thanks/Like WileyCoyote, Krs_2007, Sambr, Roy1961, Ironwood Thanks/liked this post
     
    Michael J.
    Camera: Olympus em5 ii
    Lense: Olympus 14-150 ii


    Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.



  2. #242
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    OLD FRIENDS
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

    "Ummm! How soon do you need to know?"
    Thanks/Like Michael J., Krs_2007, Sambr Thanks/liked this post
     

  3. #243
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    There's nothing worse than a doctors receptionist insisting you tell her what's wrong in a room full of patients.
    We've all had this experience at some time.
    An old guy walks into a crowded surgery & the receptionist said,"Yes sir, What are you seeing the doctor for today?"
    "There's something wrong with my penis,"he replied.
    The receptionist became irritated & said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
    "Why not? you asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said.
    "You've obviously caused some embarresment in this room full of people," replied the receptionist."You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something & then discussed the problem with the doctor in private."
    The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.
    The receptionist smiled smuggly & asked,"Yes?"
    "There's something wrong with my ear," the old guy said.
    The receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice."And what is wrong with your ear,Sir?"
    "I can't piss out of it ," the old bloke replied.

    The Doctors office erupted into laughter!
    Thanks/Like Michael J., Krs_2007, Sambr, Roy1961 Thanks/liked this post
     

  4. #244
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    SIGN IN A LOCAL STORE WINDOW.


    'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

    This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

    CAMPBELTOWN, KENTUCKY.


    You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

    However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.


    After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.
    You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


    Answer:

    A FUNERAL PARLOUR.


    (WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

    YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!
    Thanks/Like Michael J., Krs_2007, Sambr Thanks/liked this post
     

  5. #245
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A principal made it a practice to visit each classroom in his school one day a week.

    He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and

    asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

    The principal jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

    One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."
    Thanks/Like Michael J., Roy1961 Thanks/liked this post
     

  6. #246
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
    Thanks/Like Michael J. Thanks/liked this post
     

  7. #247
    Senior Member
    mikew's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

    Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on
    the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

    "It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

    "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll
    get help to get the cart up later."

    "That's mighty nice of you" I answered, "but I don't think my wife
    would like it."

    "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

    "Well Ok", I finally agreed, "But my wife won't like it."

    After a restorative brandy, and some putting lessons , I thanked my
    host. "I feel a lot better now,

    but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

    "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile,

    "She won't know anything, By the way, where is she?"

    "Under the cart.!" I said.
    Thanks/Like Rick M, Michael J. Thanks/liked this post
     
    Mike

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/7239177@N07/

    Panasonic G9,G80, 12-60, 60mm macro, 100-400

    Nikon 1 V2,FT-1,10-30mm 30-110mm Viltrox extension tubes










  8. #248
    Senior Member
    Michael J.'s Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an Owl?
    A cock that stays up all night



    I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

    If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

    That bronze medal would be mine.




    I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.

    The twat was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.
    Michael J.
    Camera: Olympus em5 ii
    Lense: Olympus 14-150 ii


    Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

  9. #249
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A Chinese man called his boss one day and said "Me sick, no can work today"

    The boss says, "When I'm sick I make love to my wife and it makes me feel better, Go ahead and try that"

    Two hours later the Chinese man called his boss back and says, "I feel much better, you have nice house and pretty wife"
    Last edited by WileyCoyote; 07-05-2013 at 02:37 PM.
    Thanks/Like mikew, Michael J., Brusader Thanks/liked this post
     

  10. #250
    Banned

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

    Obviously, it has been transliterated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English

    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above all:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
    Thanks/Like Michael J. Thanks/liked this post
     





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