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  1. #101
    Senior Member
    Rexer John's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    The owner of a posh house gets a handyman knocking on his door. The fella at the door says he is down on his luck and will do any basic gardening or simple tasks for a small fee.
    The owner is clearly well off, but he hadn't always been so lucky, so he says "OK, you can paint the porch at the front of the house white, using the tin of paint in the shed, I'll give you 50 if you do a good job".
    The fella finds the paint and a brush, and he gets to work, taking his time and trying not to leave brush marks.
    When he's finished, he knocks on the door for his money.
    The owner opens the door and says, "The porch clearly has not been painted!".
    The fella says of course not sir, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes.


    › See More: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
    My photos suck, I must need a better camera.



  2. #102
    Senior Member
    Roy1961's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    come on John, this is posted on page 8
    Thanks/Like Rexer John, Marilynne Thanks/liked this post
     
    Learn to laugh at yourself, everyone else is.
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  3. #103
    Senior Member
    nikonpup's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.


    The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
    Thanks/Like snaphappy, Michael J. Thanks/liked this post
     

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/pups_pleasure/


  4. #104
    Senior Member
    Rexer John's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Quote Originally Posted by Roy1961 View Post
    come on John, this is posted on page 8
    lol, missed that one. Oops
    My photos suck, I must need a better camera.

  5. #105
    Senior Member
    nikonpup's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    A police officer stops a woman who appears to be in her 80's, for running a stop sign. After getting her license, registration and insurance, he says 'This may seem unnecessary but it's standard procedure to ask if you have any weapons'.
    The elderly lady pulls out a derringer. The cop is shocked, when she says 'Hold on'; she then takes out a 357 magnum, a set of brass knuckles, a shotgun and a can of mace.
    The officer asks, 'Ma'am, just what are you afraid of?'
    The senior responds, 'Not a goddamn thing!'
    Thanks/Like Rancher, snaphappy, Don Kuykendall, Marilynne, Roy1961 Thanks/liked this post
     

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/pups_pleasure/


  6. #106
    Senior Member
    nikonpup's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    SOME HUMOR FROM THE DAYS OF 2 LANE ROADS.
    DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
    OUT SO FAR
    IT MAY GO HOME
    IN ANOTHER CAR.
    BURMASHAVE

    TRAINS DON'T WANDER
    ALL OVER THE MAP
    'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
    IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
    BurmaShave

    SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
    BY MISTAKE
    SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
    HER HUSBAND JAKE
    BurmaShave

    DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
    TO GAIN A MINUTE
    YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
    YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
    BurmaShave

    DROVE TOO LONG
    DRIVER SNOOZING
    WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
    IS NOT AMUSING
    BurmaShave

    BROTHER SPEEDER
    LET'S REHEARSE
    ALL TOGETHER
    GOOD MORNING, NURSE
    BurmaShave

    CAUTIOUS RIDER
    TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
    LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
    AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
    BurmaShave

    SPEED WAS HIGH
    WEATHER WAS NOT
    TIRES WERE THIN
    X MARKS THE SPOT
    BurmaShave

    THEMIDNIGHT RIDE
    OF PAUL FOR BEER
    LED TO A WARMER
    HEMISPHERE
    BurmaShave

    AROUND THE CURVE
    LICKETY-SPLIT
    BEAUTIFUL CAR
    WASN'T IT?
    BurmaShave

    NO MATTER THE PRICE
    NO MATTER HOW NEW
    THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
    IN THE CAR IS YOU
    BurmaShave

    A GUY WHO DRIVES
    A CAR WIDE OPEN
    IS NOT THINKIN'
    HE'S JUST HOPIN'
    BurmaShave

    AT INTERSECTIONS
    LOOK EACH WAY
    A HARP SOUNDS NICE
    BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
    BurmaShave

    BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
    EYES ON THE ROAD
    THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
    DRIVER'S CODE
    BurmaShave

    THE ONE WHO DRIVES
    WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
    DEPENDS ON YOU
    TO DO HIS THINKING
    BurmaShave
    and my personal favorite:

    CAR IN DITCH
    DRIVER IN TREE
    THE MOON WAS FULL
    AND SO WAS HE.
    BurmaShave

    PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
    TAKE IT SLOW
    LET OUR LITTLE
    SHAVERS GROW
    Thanks/Like TedG954, Rancher Thanks/liked this post
     

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/pups_pleasure/


  7. #107
    RIP :(
    Don Kuykendall's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    I remember seeing those on the road when I was growing up. We always looked for them and read them as we passed.

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  8. #108
    Senior Member
    TedG954's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    Last edited by TedG954; 04-18-2013 at 04:28 AM.
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  9. #109
    Senior Member
    nikonpup's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
    Not wanting to harm this old body,
    I've devised the following:

    Beat around the bush
    Jump to conclusions
    Climb the walls
    Wade through the morning paper

    Drag my heels
    Push my luck
    Make Mountains out of mole hills
    Hit the nail on the head

    Bend over backwards
    Jump on the Band Wagon
    Run around in circles
    Toot my own horn
    Pull out all the stops
    Add fuel to the fire

    Open a can of worms
    Put my foot in my mouth
    Start the ball rolling
    Go over the edge
    Pick up the pieces.

    Kneel in prayer
    Bow my head in thanksgiving
    Uplift my hands in praise
    Hug someone and encourage them

    What a Workout!! Rest At Last!!
    Thanks/Like Don Kuykendall, Rancher, Rexer John Thanks/liked this post
     

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/pups_pleasure/


  10. #110
    Senior Member
    Rexer John's Avatar

    Re: Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

    The doctor told me I was unfit and needed to do something at least twice a day that got me a little out of breath.
    So I started smoking and get out of breath much easier now.
    Thanks/Like nikonpup, Roy1961 Thanks/liked this post
     
    My photos suck, I must need a better camera.





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