Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Dangerspouse
Senior Member
I want one of these:
Dangerspouse
Senior Member
I think it would be funnier if the caption was, "Hey that was an apple!"
At least, based on what I remember from my own dog's taste in things....
At least, based on what I remember from my own dog's taste in things....
nikonpup
Senior Member
Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, "Monday."
"Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day!"
"Does anyone else know any other words?"
"I do, I do, ME ME ME!" answered Little Johnny.
Knowing Little Johnny's dirtier sense of humor, she chose Steve instead.
"Ok Steve, what's your word?"
"Saturday," Steve said.
"Great, that has three syllables."
Not wanting to be outdone, Little Johnny said, "I know a four-syllable word, choose me!"
Not thinking he could do any harm with such a big word, the teacher reluctantly said, "Okay Johnny, what's your four-syllable word?"
Little Johnny said proudly, "Mas... tur... ba... tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to keep her composure, said, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that's definitely a mouthful."
Little Johnny smirked,
"No, Ma'am, you're thinking of something else, and it's only two syllables!"
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, "Monday."
"Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day!"
"Does anyone else know any other words?"
"I do, I do, ME ME ME!" answered Little Johnny.
Knowing Little Johnny's dirtier sense of humor, she chose Steve instead.
"Ok Steve, what's your word?"
"Saturday," Steve said.
"Great, that has three syllables."
Not wanting to be outdone, Little Johnny said, "I know a four-syllable word, choose me!"
Not thinking he could do any harm with such a big word, the teacher reluctantly said, "Okay Johnny, what's your four-syllable word?"
Little Johnny said proudly, "Mas... tur... ba... tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to keep her composure, said, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that's definitely a mouthful."
Little Johnny smirked,
"No, Ma'am, you're thinking of something else, and it's only two syllables!"
nikonpup
Senior Member
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed. "OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here."
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed. "OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here."
nikonpup
Senior Member
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bed with a very attractive young woman.
Naturally, she was very upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, so I can at least tell you what happened."
"Go ahead," she sobbed, "But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
So the husband began,
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift."
"She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty."
"She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days."
"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night."
"The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight."
"The poor thing devoured them in moments!"
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away."
"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste."
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her."
"I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued,
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"...
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?"
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bed with a very attractive young woman.
Naturally, she was very upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, so I can at least tell you what happened."
"Go ahead," she sobbed, "But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
So the husband began,
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift."
"She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty."
"She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days."
"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night."
"The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight."
"The poor thing devoured them in moments!"
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away."
"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste."
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her."
"I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued,
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"...
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?"
Dean, the town postman, is retiring after 50 years on the job.
So he jumps in his USPS van and collects the last parcels from the post office, and sets out on his last round.
He drops off a few parcels at the local library.
The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens:
"Here you are, Dean. We know how much you like reading, since you're retiring you've got plenty of time for it now!"
Dean thanks him and continues on his route.
Next, Dean knocks on the door of the town liquor store.
The landlady fetches him a good bottle of 12-year-old single malt whisky.
"We've been keeping this for a special occasion. Pour yourself a large one on us and enjoy your retirement!"
Dean is touched by her gesture and moves onto the last address.
Dean knocks on the door of Mrs Smith, the young newlywed that had just moved into the neighborhood.
She answers the door in lingerie that leaves little to the imagination.
"I've been expecting you, Dean. You'd better come in."
She leads him upstairs, pushes him onto the bed, and jumps on top.
Dean's head is still spinning as he gets dressed.
Then Mrs Smith slips a $1 bill into his shirt pocket.
Before he has a chance to say anything, Mrs Smith says, "We're not done yet," and leads him down to the kitchen.
Mrs Smith then cooks a fantastic lunch of steak, eggs, toast - the full works.
As he finishes eating and takes a swig of his coke, Dean finally has a chance to ask.
"I must say, Mrs Smith, everyone in town has been very kind today, but you've been the kindest of all."
"Too kind, in fact. What on Earth could have moved you to such a gesture?"
Mrs Smith admits,
"Well, I was really racking my brains to think of something nice for you, so I asked my husband."
He said, "Huh, we're new here. Screw him, give him a buck,"...
"But, lunch was my idea!"
Naturally, she was very upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, so I can at least tell you what happened."
"Go ahead," she sobbed, "But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
So the husband began,
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift."
"She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty."
"She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days."
"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night."
"The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight."
"The poor thing devoured them in moments!"
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away."
"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste."
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her."
"I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued,
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"...
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?"
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bed with a very attractive young woman.
Naturally, she was very upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, so I can at least tell you what happened."
"Go ahead," she sobbed, "But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
So the husband began,
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift."
"She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty."
"She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days."
"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night."
"The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight."
"The poor thing devoured them in moments!"
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away."
"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste."
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her."
"I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued,
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"...
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?"
Dean, the town postman, is retiring after 50 years on the job.
So he jumps in his USPS van and collects the last parcels from the post office, and sets out on his last round.
He drops off a few parcels at the local library.
The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens:
"Here you are, Dean. We know how much you like reading, since you're retiring you've got plenty of time for it now!"
Dean thanks him and continues on his route.
Next, Dean knocks on the door of the town liquor store.
The landlady fetches him a good bottle of 12-year-old single malt whisky.
"We've been keeping this for a special occasion. Pour yourself a large one on us and enjoy your retirement!"
Dean is touched by her gesture and moves onto the last address.
Dean knocks on the door of Mrs Smith, the young newlywed that had just moved into the neighborhood.
She answers the door in lingerie that leaves little to the imagination.
"I've been expecting you, Dean. You'd better come in."
She leads him upstairs, pushes him onto the bed, and jumps on top.
Dean's head is still spinning as he gets dressed.
Then Mrs Smith slips a $1 bill into his shirt pocket.
Before he has a chance to say anything, Mrs Smith says, "We're not done yet," and leads him down to the kitchen.
Mrs Smith then cooks a fantastic lunch of steak, eggs, toast - the full works.
As he finishes eating and takes a swig of his coke, Dean finally has a chance to ask.
"I must say, Mrs Smith, everyone in town has been very kind today, but you've been the kindest of all."
"Too kind, in fact. What on Earth could have moved you to such a gesture?"
Mrs Smith admits,
"Well, I was really racking my brains to think of something nice for you, so I asked my husband."
He said, "Huh, we're new here. Screw him, give him a buck,"...
"But, lunch was my idea!"