Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There is nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch did not break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I will just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn . . .
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There is nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch did not break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I will just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn . . .
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT="]Heavens to Murgatroyd! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Lost Words from our childhood:[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]These phrases included "Don't touch that dial,"[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]"Carbon copy,"[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Heavens to Betsy! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Gee whillikers! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Jumping Jehoshaphat! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Holy moley![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead,[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] a nincompoop or a pill.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Not for all the tea in China![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Oh, my aching back.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or,[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]This is a fine kettle of fish! we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers.. Don't take any wooden nickels[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]This can be disturbing stuff ! We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It[/FONT][FONT="]'s one of the greatest advantages of aging. [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]See ya later, alligator![/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Lost Words from our childhood:[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]These phrases included "Don't touch that dial,"[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]"Carbon copy,"[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Heavens to Betsy! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Gee whillikers! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Jumping Jehoshaphat! [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Holy moley![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead,[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] a nincompoop or a pill.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Not for all the tea in China![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Oh, my aching back.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or,[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]This is a fine kettle of fish! we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers.. Don't take any wooden nickels[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]This can be disturbing stuff ! We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It[/FONT][FONT="]'s one of the greatest advantages of aging. [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]See ya later, alligator![/FONT]
Don Kuykendall_RIP
RIP :(
The value of a Catholic education and a # 2 pencil . . .
Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
O ne day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't s stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The Nun fainted!
Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
O ne day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't s stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The Nun fainted!