Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
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M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”


I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,


and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
 
Patrick M

Patrick M

Senior Member
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”
My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”
And he closed the door.


​
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
​

 **'Hello?'**​

​
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**​

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**





**After a brief pause,**​

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**​

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**​

Brief Pause.​

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**​
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**​

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**​
**'I did it, Daddy.'**​
**'And what happened, honey?' **​

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**​
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**​

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**​
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**​
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**​

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**​

*****Long Pause*****​

*****Longer Pause*****​
*****Even Longer Pause*****​
**Then Daddy says,**​
**'Swimming pool? ............**​

**Is this 486-5731?'*​


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*​





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