Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.

M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to the UK so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? 'Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'


 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
10420051_531221707019582_565349107056329788_n.jpg
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]The Blonde Man has
arrived ![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
P

paul04

Senior Member
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box
"Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
 
L

Lawrence

Senior Member
10612659_10153632809155802_6027326662557358085_n.jpg

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
 
M

mikew_RIP

Senior Member
A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=-1]HORSE SENSE

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know beans about cars!" [/SIZE]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=-1]A young rancher and his wife are trying to start a ranch in Oklahoma. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The rancher takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

He eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell him a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

He buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my wife in Oklahoma that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells him, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

He thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the young rancher.

The man asks, "I'm sorry sir, but is your wife gonna understand this telegram?"

The rancher replies, "My wife is a blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL." [/SIZE]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=-1]Walking through Tombstone, a cowboy sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The cowboy asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The cowboy asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."[/SIZE]
 
nikonpup

nikonpup

Senior Member
[SIZE=-1]The Stranger

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course he was soon arrested for..... rustling...[/SIZE]
 
Top