Dumb Jokes Posted Here.... if you dare.
- Thread starter TedG954
- Start date
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise
program!
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That's enough for the first day. Great job.
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise
program!
Scroll Down .
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
nikonpup
Senior Member
british humour is different
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
nikonpup
Senior Member
[FONT="]SIMPLE TRUTH 1:[/FONT][FONT="]
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FONT="]SIMPLE TRUTH 2:[/FONT]
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FONT="]FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:[/FONT]
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/FONT][FONT="]BONUS RULE:[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.[/FONT][FONT="]
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband![/FONT]
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FONT="]SIMPLE TRUTH 2:[/FONT]
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[FONT="]FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:[/FONT]
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/FONT][FONT="]BONUS RULE:[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.[/FONT][FONT="]
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband![/FONT]
Michael J.
Senior Member
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. " Holy F***" she screams "And you want ME to see a doctor about sucking my THUMB...!!
kevy73
Senior Member
hmmm, might get into trouble for this one by the lovely lady members here.....
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
Copper Wire...Who knew?
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a Canadian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Canadian Times:
"Canadian archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the American Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Arizona reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Phoenix, Arizona, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, the United States of America had already gone wireless."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a Canadian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Canadian Times:
"Canadian archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the American Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Arizona reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Phoenix, Arizona, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, the United States of America had already gone wireless."
why, :d
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."